The Edges Are Not So Parallel

    I've spent most of the day in my head, trying to rationalize my thought process, or understand if I even have a process.
    One thing I've concluded is that I am very vulnerable, entirely vulnerable to anyone I let into my life. To anyone who knows my true artistic ability for destruction. They see my flaws, and weaknesses- know my dynamic and not the front I put on for most acquaintances.
    And my vulnerability really only stems from one source, my naivety of life, love, and consequence. Okay, so I'm not naive in the sense that I believe every As Seen On TV commercial and think their products are 100% guaranteed. But I  definitely grew up with an irrational idea of love. Maybe it was because I could never get my head out of a book to make time to understand the world on my own.
    And my naiveness caused my early loss of innocence. Children are beautiful; they understand so little of the world and comprehend only what they want to understand. But they can be easily persuaded.  
     I ventured to believe that the answer to finding 'love' was to give yourself to them, and I didn't mean the mind and soul part. Only the body. Atleast, I thought sex was the ultimate sacrifice for love.
    I waited until my first boyfriend was ready, and I pray often in my head that it happened the way it did, that I didn't prance around like a whore before I was 16. But still, 16?! My brother and sister will be 17 next week, and to even think about them doing the horrible things that I did is like a serious blow to the face.
    But after that everything went downhill, and I gave my body to anyone that asked because I thought it meant they loved me. What the hell was I thinking. Obviously after you figure out you can't even hold a substantial conversation with them you should realize it isn't love. It's sex, plain and simple. It's vile and cheap, and means nothing.
    Once reality hit me, I hated myself for what I was doing.
    Now I am in a relationship where sex doesn't mean love. Wait, until that person means something to you, and then giving your body to that person will be something worth your while. And I don't mean wait until marriage- I'm definitely not a crazed christian conservative. But sex should be more clearly termed "love-making" in a relationship, no matter how silly it sounds. Yes, it can be passionate at times, but those times he leaves you with an overwhelmingly wonderful feeling in your heart- that's when you know it's real; when you know what you're doing is right.
    I still hold alot of guilt for acting out the way I did. For treating myself in such a horrible way, and letting people take advantage of me for temporary happiness. I came into my new relationship with everything on the table. And he accepted it...all of it. It is a breath of fresh air- he is amazing.