In a mere five days my life will begin with a wonderful man in a beautiful home. I will begin to pack all of my belongings tomorrow, and I am bound to have a few sentimental moments with items I must part with. It is an exciting time in my life, and although there are still many uncertainties, I am quite certain that I am making the right decision.
He is such a good man, and I am lucky to have found someone whom truly gets me, and has an undeniable sense of accomplishment. We are comforted with eachothers silence and laughter, and enjoy each moment we have together. He is my weakness but is also my strength. Two individuals once lost, we found solace in eachother, and our love is the purest I have ever seen.
Jim, the more I see you, the more I fall in love with you. Waking up to the sun rising each morning will be even sweeter in your arms, just as dreaming each night will come easier intwined with you underneath the sheets. I love everything in you- everything you stand for. Both time and experience has left me rather raw, but I am more than ready for this life.
I am yours to keep.
Hello life.
5.23.2011
5.19.2011
Cloudy
My thoughts are jumbled into a heap of complicated jargon. I am not sure as to why this is so, I only know that I am not happy with myself lately- for so many reasons. I know recovery lasts a lifetime, but I want to be over that hump, I want to stop the toxic thoughts I let myself believe.
If I really sit down to think about it, I embrace the wonderful things going on in my life- the fact that I ended junior year with a 3.6 gpa, the fact that I still have a summer job that will give me plenty of hours, and the fact that in less than two weeks I will be moving in with my boyfriend. But my mind always reverts back to negative thoughts of all these situations- I should have graduated this year, I still only have a summer job; not even and internship, and I am more than nervous to be moving in because I have a great track record of ruining great things.
I am in constant struggle to supress all of these negative feelings. Often I feel I am not worthy of anything positive in my life, which is why I let my depression take over. It is most prominent when I think of moving in with Jim, and I feel guilty because he has been great through our whole relationship- so supportive and understanding. But I never feel quite good enough, and that is my own doing. He does nothing but love and care for me, and treat me like I am the only thing that matters, but I don't feel like I do the same. And I don't want to make the commitment to move in, only to destroy something that is truly good for me.
So I am trying to overcome my own thoughts, to try to stay happy and away from thoughts that lead me into something I know isn't healthy.
If I really sit down to think about it, I embrace the wonderful things going on in my life- the fact that I ended junior year with a 3.6 gpa, the fact that I still have a summer job that will give me plenty of hours, and the fact that in less than two weeks I will be moving in with my boyfriend. But my mind always reverts back to negative thoughts of all these situations- I should have graduated this year, I still only have a summer job; not even and internship, and I am more than nervous to be moving in because I have a great track record of ruining great things.
I am in constant struggle to supress all of these negative feelings. Often I feel I am not worthy of anything positive in my life, which is why I let my depression take over. It is most prominent when I think of moving in with Jim, and I feel guilty because he has been great through our whole relationship- so supportive and understanding. But I never feel quite good enough, and that is my own doing. He does nothing but love and care for me, and treat me like I am the only thing that matters, but I don't feel like I do the same. And I don't want to make the commitment to move in, only to destroy something that is truly good for me.
So I am trying to overcome my own thoughts, to try to stay happy and away from thoughts that lead me into something I know isn't healthy.
5.08.2011
And my little world is all coming together
I am approaching the end of yet another school year, and after two finals next week I will officially be a senior. This year has been filled with many trials but I made it through quite successfully. I am continuing to flourish in the world of design and am beginning to find my little nook in the world.
Currently, I am at home with my family, amongst a recently unpacked dorm room. But soon, everything will be packed up again as I make a new home with the love of my life. The possibilities of our relationship excite me, and I am anxious to move. Spending every night in his arms is all I can dream of- this life is more than I could have hoped for.
Recently, I took part in a restaurant renovation for Food Network as a volunteer. I met so many great people whom were undeniably passionate about their work. I look forward to my career and the noteworthy interiors I will create. With a focused and intelligent man by my side, I am sure to accomplish all of my pursuits.
Currently, I am at home with my family, amongst a recently unpacked dorm room. But soon, everything will be packed up again as I make a new home with the love of my life. The possibilities of our relationship excite me, and I am anxious to move. Spending every night in his arms is all I can dream of- this life is more than I could have hoped for.
Recently, I took part in a restaurant renovation for Food Network as a volunteer. I met so many great people whom were undeniably passionate about their work. I look forward to my career and the noteworthy interiors I will create. With a focused and intelligent man by my side, I am sure to accomplish all of my pursuits.
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