Happy Holiday

    Christmas eve and Christmas day were more than I could have ever asked for. Spending time with both of my families, and my adorable boyfriend was enjoyable to say the least. His family was quick to embrace me, and I am so grateful that I feel so comfortable as if I almost belong with them.
    Although my family was a bit more reluctant, I can see that they have definitely come around, and enjoy Jim's company. My mom kisses him on the cheek every time he leaves-something she has never done even to close family. And he is always sure to shake my dad's hand before departing home; something they both find very respectful.
    We complete each other perfectly, and the holidays made this even clearer for me. Thank you Jim, I love you in my life :)

    The new year is quickly approaching, and I find myself creating a mental list of resolutions. There is still much that I would like to perfect in terms of my education and design ability.
    My last design project really encompassed the beginnings of my design philosophy- a structure must maintain its integrity in concept and form. A designer must not compromise conceptual aspects of an interior nor the interior forms. Concept and form must work simultaneously to compliment the particular program.
    Now that I have the beginnings of my personal design understanding, I can continue to advance in the studio. I also hope to continue multi-media presentations with hand-rendering and autoCAD.
    I am excited and ready for the possibilities I am creating for myself. With my extra involvement in IIDA, I can only hope to network myself into the right firm :)

Thank You

    Tonight I had the talk I needed to get me out of this funk. I am capable and in charge of my happiness, and I am the only one whom can choose whether I will be happy or not. I have no reason to be so miserable, and should therefore not be making others around me just as annoyed. I first need to realize my self-worth with true and honest certainty. I also need to remember everyone else I am affecting when I make decisions to act/feel as I do. I should not offend, irritate, or upset others. My relationship is at the core of my being, and if I wish to keep it intact I must think of the other individual involved. My personality can be one of undeniable stubbornness at times, so I will work on this. I will reiterate the fact that Jim loves me more than anyone ever could, and nothing he does is meant to hurt me or our relationship. We do not see eye-to-eye, which is definitely a good thing in my case. He sees reality as it truly is, as I construe and redefine what I believe each situation to be. My skin needs to thicken and my heart needs to open, as I let myself love and be loved, just as I allow myself to take criticism with a grain of salt. I must work on expressing myself, whether it be discussing my thoughts with others or not. Even after my cutting has stopped, I find it hard to develop a well thought out idea of what I believe I feel. Time will only help me grow stonger- I only hope that he is willing to wait as I further myself.


    Thank you for being patient- and listening to me when I need it most. Even if you judge me, thank you for never showing it. I am truly sorry for the way I act; getting so easily upset. You are the greatest thing to ever come into my life, and I am ready to give myself wholly to you. I am still in this process, and I hope you will be by my side as I work through my conflicts. Although I realize life can be complicated, I never realized it would contain so much confusion and so many unknowns. And all that you do for me I hope to someday do in return. Yes, I love you, but I want to be the woman you need whom is confident ands knows you will never leave her side. This journey is ours to make, and I give you my word that I am trying to make it worth remembering for you (in a good way, that is). Please embrace us, for I cannot see my life being lived without you. I promise, it will be worth the wait, and when my insecurities have disappeared our love will flourish.

    I find it sad that despite the fact that we are sisters, Julie rarely gets along with me. I hate our fights, but I hate even more her choices. Her choice of words is number one on my list- she has the most brilliant way of making my blood boil. And I hate her lack of asking, not only for anything that is mine, but for anything from my parents as well. She treats everyone as if they were inferior. I love being home, spending time with my parents, but I also despise Julie being around- running out of the house with my leather purse, my new jacket and scarf, and a pair of shoes I had been looking for since last Christmas.
    At the same time I wish to be home, I would be just as happy to be at Jim's. But I know I make him crazy, with my persistent conversation and untidiness. I love this boy to death, yet I hate that he cannot just tell me he would rather not visit or that he would rather spend the evening with his family. I wish he would just tell me that he wants time to himself- without me. I understand- I would not want to be around me if I were him either. And I want him to know that he should not fill obligated to be in a relationship with me. Many other girls would be able to give him much more than I can- would not come with so many flaws and insecurities. Would not have scars nor low self-esteem. A woman whom he could instantly share his life with; someone willing to move in and be home for him every day after work. I feel completely inadequate as a lover and girlfriend, and I know that if I cannot fix this, he will find someone else. But I do not know where to start on changing things, nor do I feel that I am capable. I cannot deny that plenty is going on in my mind right now, and I do not know where to start dealing with each individual concern, for everything is connected in some way or another.

In the past few days, as it seems, I have been sinking further into my depression. On most days, I can push it aside, but it has slowly been encompassing my entirety. I know it is silly- I should be happy for I have everything in my life that I have ever hoped for. But this feeling is more directed to my overwhelming fears and guilt. I feel that I have not been performing sufficently as a daughter, girlfriend, or student. I spin everything into a negative in my head, and I would rather sleep that sit and decide how to fix myself. I know that this will pass, but I cannot help sitting here thinking of all the ways I could change myself to become a better person. I despise letting people down, more than I care to make myself happy. Jim has been the one to deal with this lately, and although I am happy that he is patient and loving with me I feel horrible. He helps me in ways no one else ever could, and I love him for simply listening. I hope that this break between semesters will bring us closer instead of directing us apart. And I wish for this this feeling to pass soon so I can make the most of our holiday together.

The End

The end of the semester is quickly approaching, as my last final will be on Tuesday evening. I am quite excited to spend the holiday with my family and take small moments of rest with loved ones in between work shifts. The semester has given me a chance to develop my personal ideals of conceptual design and hone in on what I believe to be "good" design. In my free time between classes I have been spending my nights with my boyfriend, and I absolutely adore our time together. I love being in his home, cuddling close on the couch watching movies, cooking dinner, drinking tea, and all the other wonderful things we do. I have never been happier and I am sure that he is the man I want to spend my life with. Hopefully this next semester will end just as quickly as the first so I can spend even more time with him :)

Winter in NYC

(central park)

(st. patrick's cathedral)

The city was beautiful this weekend, I fall deeper in love with New York each time I visit. My family and I took a day trip, which consisted of Rockettes, brisk walking, and amazing food. We arrived around 8am, and I had the chance to snap a few photos of the city quite bare.

It was wonderful to be with my boy on his first trip to New York- he walked around with the brightest smile on his face, even with the city chill. My father had us walking in circles, just to find a deli he had seen on the travel channel; although we ended up at another close by which was fantastic.

Although New York is undeniably beautiful, especially during the winter season, I am a true Philadelphian at heart, and I simply adore all it has to offer. I have made myself a home here, and I cannot be more pleased. -

A long day of design means rekindling your love of your favorite band. Since the Broken Bells, Phoenix, and new Arcade Fire cd, I had forgotten entirely about the music that evoked so much feeling inside of me. On many occassions during my self-mutilatory days, I would lay in darkness with Ben Gibbard's soft voice calming me until I eventually fell asleep. It was all I had to seperate myself from the world. But today, I was able to listen in a different light; I no longer need an escape. My life is everything I could ever want.

"I've been slipping through the years, and my old clothes don't fit like they once did. So they hang like ghosts of the people I've been. But it's like my heart can't be tamed, and I fall in love everyday, and I feel like a fool. I have to face the truth, that no one could ever look at me like you do, like I'm something worth holding on to."

I registered for my last semester as a junior today- five classes in total. A full course load is not something I have chosen since my withdrew as a sophmore almost two years ago. But I am confident and willing to do this. I am dedicated to my work and also unwilling to compromise the life that I want, therefore, I will make this new change work. In taking a full coarse load, and a summer course, I will give myself more time to dedicate to my thesis project as a senior. I will also have more time to dedicate to my boyfriend. I am learning how to balance both of these important elements in my life and I hope that I am just in saying that I am doing this well. Ofcourse my work always comes first; it's a value that has been ingrained in me since I was young. But I realize my happiness should be a very close second- and I am happiest when I am with him.

Dolly

The second love of my life ;)

This morning I woke up to an email from my design professor. My most recent project, a Vera Wang showroom, was chosen to be archived. This will be my second design project to be archived and I am so humbled.
My basis for the showroom was the signature Vera Wang bow (typically lavender) which ties around the waist. It is minimalistic and chic, and I adore her simple taste. I recreated an abstracted version of this bow with a lavender structure made out of corian which embraces the showroom walls and protrudes out into the corridor. White pearls cascade down from the ceiling and are back-lit from above.
The desk in the showroom's office mimics the abstracted bow. It begins on a custom storage unit and after becoming the task desk the corian flows towards the ground and becomes a recessed element in the terazzo. The structure is both elegant and simple- made of only one material.
The showroom was the first real projection of myself and my idealogy of 'good' design. I am finally developing the true mind of a designer- of an innovator.

The house creaks as the wind blows strongly outside. The day is moving slowly, and I am enjoying the silence of home. It has been awhile since I have come home to visit; particularly overnight. My room looks the same as I had left it- books on the bed, and dresser drawers still opened.
I slept in my own bed again last night, but it wasn't as I had imagined it to be. I wasn't comforted by the large pile of blankets towering on me, nor the cold of my cotton pillowcase.
I realize that my home is meant to be somewhere else, or so, with someone else. Although I love visiting home, surrounded by my family and the familiarity, I am in some sense discontent.
It is unusually hard to pin down what I am feeling, but I know I am dealing with the thought of moving out in my head. I can't see myself spending my nights here for a long period of time. When I am with Jim, I feel content- I feel at home. I belong with him, whispering goodnight into his ear night after night. I want to lay against his body, as his warmth guides me to sleep. I am beginning to see my new home with him, as a family of our own.

Finally, this week is coming to an end. It has been drawn out far too long, especially with the dreary weather.
After tonight's last mid-term, I will be going home for our one and only day of 'fall break.' Quite ridiculous, but I am happy nonetheless, even if I can only spend one day with my family.
And Jim has also planned something for us to do together this weekend! He is so sweet, always trying to keep me happy (which he does so well). I know it will be wondrous because we will be together :)

     I am watching the clock move both hands steadily towards that overwhelming 12. Although I would rather be sleeping, it is moments such as these- when my eyes are too tired to open fully and my body aches- that I feel alive. This week is just another test to see if I can be successful. I am competing against myself, against my previous will. I have so much more in me. I am designing beautiful spaces and impressing my professors, classmates, and myself for once.
    I am not intimidated in the least.



I have been listening to this on repeat since I started studying hours ago.

   Our weekends are always too short. As we wake in the morning, my heart aches knowing we will soon part. Our bodies are still warm under the covers and I long to have just a few more hours. I will never give these moments up- his tenderness as he turns to kiss me, his arms pulling me closer.
    Knowing these moments will soon happen again is the only strength I have to leave. We are together even when we are apart, for I am part of his being as he is mine.
    Since our relationship began I have always been weary of him leaving me. I realize that he has never wronged me, that every concern I have is against myself. He is perfect- determined to see us last. He reassures me although he has no need to.
    I want this life with him, I long to be his forever. Our lives are meant to be lived together. He posesses my heart, and I feel as if he always has, as if it was waiting for the right one to let in. I can feel the fullness of my emotions, of my expressions. He brings hope, and happiness into my world.
     There will never be enough words to describe my love for him. My passion delves to the deepest depths of his soul, and I find strength.

     The crisp autumn air sends an invitation away from the hot summer days we have become so accustomed to. I am pleased by the way my life is progressing. The past is far behind and with my boy by my side I am only looking towards the future.

And there were people there, lovely as you'd ever care, tonight. Baby you can start again. Laughing in the open air, have yourself another dream, tonight.



    I am refreshed. Without my ra position, I am able to concentrate on myself. I am focused soley on design, and I have developed a certain fondess for my work and my creative abilities. I am not burdened by a job that requires me to be available at all times. I am happy with my decision to move on from this job, as I now have the ability to accomplish all of my work and enjoy time for myself.

     Life has been a lot less intimidating recently. My little niche in life is quite comfortable at this point. I am back at school, busy with hours of design and more design. But I always look forward to my nightly phone call. It's like having a little piece of home from far away. I smile thinking about how he must be sitting on the other side of the phone, what he's wearing, if he's clean shaven today or not.
    In the few minutes he speaks, I have gained another sense of reassurance that my life will turn out exactly the way I'd like it to. My week is motivated by the need to see him again, to be in his arms, to enjoy ourselves as simply as we can. The world slows down and it only the two of us.
    With him by my side, I will accomplish all I set out to, and he will be just as successful. And at the end of it all, we will enjoy all of it together.

Insecure

    My insecurity begins with my unreachable expectations. I am a person who is constantly striving for personal perfection, an impossible scenario for anyone. The kind of person that will work unbelievably hard for a goal that will never be achieved. Ridiculous goals.
    I have created a mindset where the expectations others have of me must seemingly match my own. Meaning if my expectations aren't met neither are their's. If I think I'm performing as an unsufficient girlfriend, than I assume he must be thinking that as well. I am constantly making assumptions of others thoughts. It's why sarcastic comments hit me hard- why I take almost everything to heart. "You're lazy." You're right, I am lazy, I don't work hard enough, fast enough, long enough.
    I  will never reach the expectations I have come to know so well, therefore I make myself believe that his parents will never believe I'm good enough for their son because I don't believe it, he doesn't find me appealing because I don't, he thinks I'm worthless because I think the same, he'll find someone better because I think I'll never be everything he could have.
    Yes, my expecations can be downsized with practice, and I have been trying, but the one thing I can't change are my scars. My hideous awful scars, that constantly remind me that I didn't reach perfection, and that now, I never will. Last night I cried until my eyes were swollen shut, and my dad came to the rescue, just as he always does. He wanted to know what was wrong, and I told him (just like I always do) that I didn't know, that I was just sad, and sadder because I didn't want to be sad. Sadder because I couldn't figure out why. Sad because I had to have this conversation again, to confide in someone again about something I couldn't explain. The only thing I can explain is my insecurity with my scars. I told him I hated being repulsive and hate even more that I can't change. My skin will never heal. I hate the constant reminder of my stupidity. Sometimes my scars onnly act as a negative reminder of my foolishness and push me even deeper into my insecurity.
    Dad said he would take them if he could- trade my pain and make it his own. But he wished the memories would always remain as a reminder of my strength. Sometimes I need to hear this from the person I'm most afraid of letting down. He is the only one I ever fully let myself break for. The brick wall I've created crumbles, and I let every part of me become vulnerable because I know he will be there to save me- again and again.
   Just as I hate confiding in my family, I also hate confiding in Jim. I hate the redundancy of my thoughts of my feelings. I hate the redundancy of my lack of meaningful words. He always brings up how much better my scars look, and constantly reminds me that I am pushing him away. I never wanted him to love me any less, but quite the opposite, and it seems that I am doing just what I dread. I hate him seeing the one thing I am mostly insecure about. I hate the physicalness of my stupidity. I start to believe that if I am so disgusted by them than must be as well. That I am pushing him away and back to his family. That he slowly finding a route away from me.
    Every argument stems from me. Me and my fucking insecurities. I want to trust him with everything I have, but I let my fears develop. I begin to believe in their reality-that everything I fear is truth. I begin to doubt my self-worth and assume that he must be doubting me as well. I've become so fearful that I am even afraid to suggest a movie, a place to eat, or something to do because of what he will think of me. About how immature and silly I must be.
     And it only becomes worse when I try to explain myself, I sound like I am degrading him. I sound like I want to push him away, as if I want him to leave me. But that isn't what I want at all, it's something my thoughts have never even touched upon. I want him in my life forever, I want him as a part of my life, just as I want to be a part of his. Explaining it's actually I who doesn't think I'll ever be good enough to fit in with his family because I can't even fit into mine. Explaining that I'm not mad that we're with his family but that I'm scared shitless I'm doing something wrong, dressed wrong, speaking wrong. It's the mind of almost every self-mutilator; we can't compose our thoughts into an understandable sentence. When I say "you could find someone 'better'" inside I'm screaming, "I hate every fucking thing about myself, what do you see in me?!" I begin ranting- talking myself in circles becuase I don't know what I'm trying to say. I only make him more upset because of all my incomprehensible bullshit. Because sometimes all I think I'm good for is a good fuck and maybe some grammatical corrections. Which is also why the loft scares me- because my destructive side is telling me that I could never live the perfect life I've always dreamt of. That this perfect life I've so often wished for is actually coming true-that it is all real. But my destructive side sees the scares and reminds me that I am still fucked up.
    I also hate my depression because I can't pinpoint a specific reason for it. Is it really a fucking disorder? Or is he right, maybe it is all in my head. Sometimes I just feel sad, sad for absolutely no reason. And I'm ruining my relationship. I hate that I can't just fix myself. I second guess my sickness because people say its bullshit. And because I think that maybe they're right. I hate that I can't explain and again begin to talk myself into circles, only making everything I say sound like bullshit.
    And so now, maybe things are alittle clearer in my head after this. No 'maybe' or 'can't.' I WILL work on myself and do what I can to make myself happy. I deserve my life.

this weekend was pure bliss. i am forever in love.

    I need to stop letting my fears get in the way of our relationship. I can't let it slip by while I'm too busy worrying about myself. We are perfect together, and I need to let go and simply enjoy my time with him. He deserves so much more than I am giving him right now- he needs a more confident, self- assured woman. I can be that woman for him, I just need to try harder. And I will because for him I would do anything.

This weekend will serve as another point of relaxation for him. It pains me to see him so stressed when it's completely undeserved. He tries harder than any man I've ever met, and he fully deserves everything great this world has to offer. I want to see him smile more, to feel his muscles lose their tension, to keep up that positive spirit that I love.
With beautiful weather, and beautiful scenery we are sure to have a splendid time, but it always ends too quickly. But we will savor our time together while we can.
On another note, I finally finished my beloved Atlas Shrugged. I am so in awe of Ayn Rand and completely agree with her idea of objectivism. In our modern age her philosophy may be flawed, but one idea is certain, a man should live only for himself, and for his individual rights. I wholeheartedly agree that a man should maintain his integrity, and that alone. Shrugged is a beautifully written novel, full of romance and despair, heartache and success. It inspires me to live for my personal convictions and act as an individual. This is particularly important for a young artist to understand. Produce work for yourself, not for collective society, and you will succeed in your own right.
Now I am re-reading and finishing Vanity Fair. I love the language of William Makepeace Thackeray. Life has been treating me so well, that I haven't needed to hide in a book. But I do miss my daily reading.

 A beautiful song. Perfect when falling asleep.

    A much needed weekend lies ahead, and even though I'm working a morning shift my boyfriend will have plenty of time to spend with me. I like when he finally gets to relax, and isn't so tired out and stressed about work and the new loft.
    Our weekends are always pleasant together because we aren't rushed, we aren't worried about the pressures of life, at least for the little while we're together. It really does wonders for our spirits, to simply lay together and feel the closeness of our bodies.
    I am so looking forward to this weekend especially. I need to de-stress after this long week, and set aside my fears of new medication and a broken car while I can. I know being with him will do the trick!

He is so amazing, I just can't get over the way he treats me. I feel all sappy when I think of him. I must be the luckiest girl in the world. No, I definitely am.

    He gives me the yearn to live again- to release all the worries and live strictly in the present. I have a great way of ruining certain moments that should be pleasant. It must be a talent of mine. I'd rather just be happy, not take him so seriously (or myself).

    I need to learn to let things go, to remember there's nothing I can do about it. I need to get over myself, get over him laughing at me for crying after sex because he doesn't understand, that it doesn't mean as much to him and I should stop caring too. I need to stop resenting him for laughing because I was just being childish, living in a fantasy world. 

     We are happy together, and I should stop taking our relationship so seriously. I think that's what he wants?

"Won't you stop and breathe, tell me what you want to feel. I could draw on all these things; baby I feel this beauty pull me to a- Soft and warm, I know this is all I need."

I love him so much. It's nice to finally have a break from school, and more time to be with him :)

She said it. She said I didn't understand. That I didn't care. I burst back with, "I know more than anyone. I almost died because of it...and everyday I am reminded by my scars." The three of us, my sister, mom, I, replied with tears, and I ran to my room. I delve into my novel, concentrating harder than ever. I don't like relieving what happened, remembering that I have a constant reminder of my juvenile ways.

    I run until I can hear the shallowness of my breath, and with one short exhale I release days, weeks, months of pent up anger. My body shudders, and I close my eyes, tight enough to feel my cheeks raise, and my skin tighten.
    I start to walk, collecting my thoughts as they pour into my head. After anger comes clarity; I am no longer hindered by an oppressive emotion. I am free to contemplate, to exist, as pure as the trees and fields that surround me.
    I begin to run again, as soon as the anger begins to cloud my thoughts. I am battling my inner-self, to allow me the chance to think with clarity. I reach my 'place'- an old bench overlooking farmhouses and blooming trees. Again I close my eyes, and breathe- exhale my negativity. I reach a state of calm, and my hair stands on end as the cool breeze caresses my body. Loose hair from my ponytail brushes my face, and I enter another state of existence. I am aware of my presence in the world.
    I hear only the sound of brushing trees, of songbirds. For a few minutes I am left alone with nature- no cars or people obstruct this moment. I watch the birds play between the wildflowers, and fly high into the treetops, singing to one another. They are free.
     It is a spiritual moment for me, something I relive every time I come here. But it isn't the same this time, for I am contemplating something new to me. My younger sister is dealing with a break-up- something I wholly understand, but cannot seem to give advice about. I am angry, angry only because our relationships seem so similar. At least my past relationship. The boys are identical in their desire to live purely for themselves, to care only for themselves. They are selfish in the worst of ways.
    My conflict remains because my relationship ended, almost with my life. I can see the destructive qualities I possess in my sister, and I couldn't stand to see her follow the ways of her sister. She is on the right path for her life- academically, athletically, emotionally. And to see this boy strip that away from her pains me.
   I don't want her to hurt the way that I did, to blame it all on herself like I did, to feel degraded, humiliated, and shameful such as I did. Seeing their relationship end reminds me of mine. Those unimaginable negative feelings come back- and I am disgusted. I hate that I still feel anger towards what happened.
    I never imagined that I would be with such a wonderful man a year ago, when I would lay in bed, hoping never to wake up. I thought I had been ruined, stripped of any integrity. But Jim brings it all out of me- passion, integrity, love- everything I once thought I had lost. Although I may never be able to forgive- one day I will forget. I will forget because my life is everything I had hoped for, and my dark experiences were needed to get me to where I am.
    I only hope that Julie will survive this, will turn out better than I have. I hope that she will find someone that treats her well, that shows her kindness, patience, and love- just as Jim has with me.

B. Great- there goes the awesome gpa I wanted. Give me an hour or two to wallow in my own misery before coming back to reality. Try harder next semester? I think so. I'll be back to my overachieving self in no time.

"To endure is greater than to dare; to tire out hostile fortune; to be daunted by no difficulty; to keep heart when all have lost it; to go through intrigue spotless; to forgo even ambition when the end is gained - who can say this is not greatness?"
— William Makepeace Thackeray 

I am inspired by him everyday; his enduring strength to work through anything, and his strive to balance all the things that encompass his life. I love this quality especially so because it makes me feel important in his life- a feeling I've always wished for. Jim, keep on enduring, and great things will happen for us :)

   I hate thinking about him with another girl. How he used to lay close to her at night, plant tender kisses along her back. My head spins and my heart burns knowing he loved someone else once; knowing he's touched the bodies of other girls- felt a sensual desire between them and himself. 
   I know I am the only girl in his life now, and that all of his love and attention is put in my direction, but I can't help my mind's urge to think about his past- how he must think about it too. 
    And I can't say the same for myself- with each man my life spiraled further into a black hole- I don't ever think about the things I've done because I don't want to remember. 
    It makes me sad to think of his smile lighting up the face of another girl- a girl who not only shared a heart but a home with him. I envy her for spending so much time with him. I envy her for sharing so many commonalities with him, which I cannot. I envy her for him loving her. 
    I know it may seem immature that such thoughts would ever cross my mind. But I've been hurt, deeply hurt so many times. I am scared and vulnerable. I love him, and would move mountains just to be by his side. 
   I need something- something else to keep my mind occupied. There is no reason to think about his past relationships, to think about his silliness making someone else laugh, his arms keeping someone else warm at night. No reason to wonder if he still thinks she is prettier than me, easier to talk to than me, sillier and more fun to be around than me. 
    Hopefully some sleep will help me forget, and remind me that the past is the past. It can't be changed, nor forgotten. Remember that he is different than he was than- acting on childish instinct of what he thought love was. Still, I hope this love is different. I hope what I feel is real, is as true as I remind myself day after day. 
    I love you, with everything I have left of my heart. You live in every corner of my mind, every dream I have dreamt, every longing and desire I have. You are mine, as I am yours. Only yours. 

You Were Good In Your Time

I did it. It's actually happening, and I am so unbelievably happy. 

My web design office will be archived this summer. Archived? Seriously? I mean, just last year my professors were concerned that I hated interior design and wasn't passionate about it. 

I hope this archiving thing sends a big passionate slap to their face. 

As the end of the semester nears (with only one final between me and summer) I can finally relax with a new understanding that I really can accomplish anything and everything. 

I made a list of goals for this semester, everything from showering regularly to not pulling a single all-nighter. These were simple tasks that I could not even come close to grasping last year. I was a complete and utter wreck. But I've distanced myself with that girl, and I have become everything she was not. Everything a young twenty year old girl should be. 

And I did all of these without compromising myself. I finally feel like I can congratulate myself, like maybe I actually deserve it. 

Let Me Kiss You

    Ten beautiful months- ten amazing months. Time consisting of the most cherish-able moments I will ever discover. In this short amount of time I have discovered the unyielding passion of love. It contains a depth that is far too deep to be discoverable.
     Our love is not trying- it comes with ease. I've found something many people search for the duration of their lives, and I am humbled.

"Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time."

    The fan's murmur drowns out the noise outside, and the soft brush of air is rather peaceful. Shortly, I will rest before returning to my work.
     I am thoroughly contemplative, and I can't help but think back through the blur of this year. In such a short time, I have grown into myself. 

"So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them." 

    And where do I go from here? I continue with life, I will work hard, play hard, and love even harder. I acknowledge that I am a dreamer, and I will embrace it. It's okay if I spend too much time in my head; this is where my creativity comes from. I wanted to prove everyone wrong this year- prove to them that I was something great. And I think I've even proved it to myself. 
    I have structured my life in such a way that I get the best of all possible worlds-I maintain my grades while still spending time with my adorably charming boyfriend. And I am happy that I've let this person into my life. I am proud that I was able to find someone so perfect after everything I had gone through. Our relationship gives me hope that our future will be I've dreamt of. 
    I absolutely love my life. And I am almost okay with who I am- of what I let define me. I am a lover, a dreamer, a designer. I can, and will always be able to accomplish all that I set out to. 

Oscillate Wildly

i love this...probably because of my darling jimmy ;) it reminds of him, and always makes me smile.

my current life. and no, im still not finished. but close!

Work is a Four Letter Word

    I am cold to the touch, and put on an extra sweatshirt to face the chill of the wind outside. The tulips are shivering, lifting their petals in hopes of catching the sun. 

    I haven't felt this kind of anxiety in so long. The kind of anxiousness that keeps me from a comfortable sleep. A churning in your stomach so fierce you'd like to buckle over in pain. Vibrating throughout your entire body, you try to control it, but find any attempt you make futile. 

    I know that I can do this, I know that this feeling will go away- something I didn't realize in the past. 

    My darling, thank you for always keeping a positive outlook on life. For always helping me to remember how beautiful my life is. 

“To achieve, you need thought. You have to know what you are doing and that's real power.”

There Speaks a True Friend

    I feel like I'm on a free-fall in some kind of infinite abyss- some sort of black hole. The ride is rather uncomfortable, and my stomach has been in knots for hours.
    I'll find my way out- I always do.
    I can easily keep my thoughts positive. I mean, I have a man whom would do anything and everything just to keep me happy. He is literally the only person that can do just about anything to make me smile. He's got so much heart, and it inspires me to stay focused and work until everything is perfect.
   And I have friends who I can trust, who will be here in a second if I need it. Who will sit and listen to me complain, and agree with everything I say, even if it's completely ridiculous, all to make me feel better.
    So thanks to all who will get me through this last week of school, alive and well :)

Now My Heart Is Full

"I could die right now. I'm just... happy. I've never felt that before. I'm just exactly where I want to be." - eternal sunshine

This is my life. This is perfect. I belong to someone- mean something greater than life to someone. I finally belong to the man I was intended to. I love you, so much my heart could burst. I am yours. 

We'll Let You Know

"Just letting you know how proud I am of you. Your having a great school year. Keep up the good work. I love you, Mom"

    This is possibly the first time in my entire life that my mom has reached out with words of encouragement, and it means everything to me.
    I worked diligently through my pre-college schooling to maintain a decent gpa. All of my classes were honors level, I was a member of exec. council, president of the band, member of orchestra, pit orchestra, marching/concert band, and chamber ensemble. I took private clarinet lessons, taught a dance class, took my own dance class, and worked. But I could never get my parents to say those words I longed to hear- "we're proud of you."
    In my parents eyes I wasn't working hard enough, practicing long enough, or involved enough. I was always taught not to compare myself, but I was constantly being compared to my classmates. Bringing home a 3.6 on a report card only meant that I should work harder to get a 4.0.
    Instead of taking this as constructive criticism, I was overly sensitive and believed I could never be good enough. I fell into my addiction, stopped doing my homework, and stopped trying. I made it through high school with a 3.4 gpa. But I know I could've done better.
    Some individuals are motivated by negative comments- they will strive to do better to prove people wrong. That never worked for me. I wanted to hear, "you're great. you're the best."
    But I never told my parents this- I was afraid. I was always afraid of what their answer would be. I still find it hard asking my dad if I can drive 2 minutes down the road to visit my best friend. I felt like I was constantly being scrutinized, like everything I did was shameful in their eyes.
    My parents finally came to the realization that something was indeed wrong with their daughter last year. I'm sure it was something they suppressed for years, and refused to identify partially because they believed it was their fault. Yes, it was. We've never had any type of open communication in our family.
    I think my parents finally accepted the fact that our dynamic needed to change. We started talking more, and it was extremely awkward. But it's made life a lot easier, especially for myself.
    I finally confided in them about my fear of letting them down. I told them everything... and yes, I mean everything. I know my mom wasn't thrilled when she heard I had slept with more men then she could count on one hand, but it helped her to understand why I was so upset.
    I was just as confused as them as to why my self-injury became so severe- why I couldn't solve my problems in a healthy manner. But it's over- it happened. And it's finished.
    Yes I still go through rough days, but I can now cope. I am no longer afraid of speaking my mind- in fact, I may be the most blunt person you've ever met.
     And this card from my mom only made my level of self-worth stronger. So thanks mom because as they semester's end is near, I find I need these words of encouragement more than ever.

Late Night, Maudlin Street

    I wake at 4 am, stirred by my own thoughts. Robins take their place outside my window, talking back and forth with eachother. It's soothing after I wake up startled. But it won't help me fall back asleep. My mind is racing. 
    My priorities have changed since last year, and although this should be comforting, I find that I am only back where I once started. I need to put myself first if no one else is.

"You are a wonderful creation. You know more than you think you know, just as you know less than you want to know."

Such a Little Thing Makes Such a Big Difference

"This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin. Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in. Now you're outside me, you see all the beauty. Repent all your sin."

    It's about time I stop living for other people. I'm worth so much more. I deserve more than I let myself. I am learning (slowly) that I can say with conviction that I am worthy of falling in love, that I am the only one for him. I will let my myself fall, and dismiss my fears...until they cease to exist. Once I realize my value, he will too. The past has hurt me, but I have shed this skin. 

    I am a young designer- I produce work that will someday bring me success. I don't rely on anyone, and my family and career are all that matters to me. I have passions and desires that burn inside me, and I will accomplish all I set out to do. 

    I will not let my integrity be sacrificed. I am selfish- selfish for my own happiness, and the happiness of my family. 

Spring-heeled Jim

      It was sweet of him to visit. Almost as if he knew it was what I needed. I was irrationally lonely Sunday and Monday, for no apparent reason. Nothing unusual had taken place- I know he had to leave. I was unmistakably in my dark place, when all I can do is sleep and hope it will pass. Eventually it did, and I was calm enough to finish my work.
     Just his presence brings tranquility to my psyche. Nothing between us is forced- loving him is so simple.  Sometimes I fear that this easy love will be our downfall. And I am reminded that love shouldn't feel like an obligation. It should happen with ease, just as it is with him.
    I've been through plenty of pain in my life, and I'm beginning to believe it wasn't deserved punishment. Maybe it was something I needed to deal with to gain strength- to mature into the woman I am now. I am thankful my sweetheart has seen me for who I truly am- seen past the scars. I love you.

The Never-Played Symphonies

    Yesterday's rainstorm brought back memories of so many summer nights. Summer nights which I shared alone, and it was beautiful. I cannot recall a single care.
    You can feel the storms coming in the air, the trees would shake ever so slightly, as if excited. The wind caresses your skin as if some kind of short embrace, sending goose-bumps up your body. Even indoors with the windows open you can feel this. So you press your face to the window as a five year old would do, waiting for their father to pull into the driveway after work.
    The sky is overwhelmingly dark, but the rain has not arrived yet. You sit on the front steps, waiting in silence. And soon, it comes. The grass breathes new life as the first drop hits the ground. The aroma is delightful, and you sit for a few minutes before getting the urge to experience this phenomena for yourself. You run out into the middle of the field, tilt your head up to the sky, and feel. You feel every emotion you've ever experienced in this moment, and you finally begin to feel your own existence.
    I have never been so conscious of my life as I am in these moments. To exist in a natural event, where nothing is tainted by man- it's entirely freeing. I am happy, truly and erratically happy. My heart can feel everything it wants to feel, without the worry of being broken.
    When I am with him, I feel just as I felt on all of these nights. Not only do I press my face against the window, waiting for those bright jeep lights to shine on the house, but I experience freedom when I am with him. I am light and childlike, and my body warms when he enters the room. My heart flocks to him, and for once, I feel entirely safe entrusting someone with its care. I am no longer afraid of being alone, of feeling unwanted. He satisfies my every whim, and loves me with sincere intensity.
     This summer, I will again experience these divine storms that have become so close to my heart. But I will no longer be alone in these moments. Silver-lining.

Asleep

"Have sweet dreams..."
"Of us, ofcourse."

I smile every night before closing my eyes and drifting to sleep. Such a small detail can make our love even more precious. 

Well I Wonder

"Those who speak of love most promiscuously are the ones who've never felt it. They make some sort of feeble stew out of sympathy, compassion, contempt and general indifference, and they call it love. Once you've felt what it means to love as you and I know it-the total passion for the total height-you're incapable of anything less."

    My life plays out like a perfect movie-script ending. Simply endearing, he captivates me with every word  drawing out of his mouth. Over the phone I can hear his lips tighten, and I realize what I am saying has struck a nerve. Guilt consumes me, engulfs me in its rage of fury. But his voice is calm, and soon I am soothed.  After exchanging words of adoration our talk ends, and again I am alone in a dark room with my thoughts. But I am no longer crying, and instead I take a moment to breathe before drifting off into a deep sleep.
    I wake during the night, only for a short instance. Long enough for him to cross my mind. Before he leaves, I make sure to take note on every feature of his face. I don't ever want to forget it. His eyes shine, with peaks of harvest orange dancing throughout. Never have I seen eyes so strong. For a time, my eyes shone a sleek electric blue, but time has altered them into a gray, dusky steel.
    I don't want him to leave, I never want him to leave. But he needs to go, so I breathe deep and smile. Hiding my unhappiness isn't that easy. My facial expression is probably screaming, "don't leave, i can't do this without you" but he says nothing. It's okay this way. We don't need two people in shambles.
    But I wonder what he thinks about, driving away- if his heart drops just a little, as mine does.
    Today, I focus on my studies. Occasionally his presence enters my thoughts, overriding construction details and elevations. I remember his soft voice, his tender kisses, and our bodies fixed together. I wish, that one day I will be with him indefinitely.
  

The Edges Are Not So Parallel

    I've spent most of the day in my head, trying to rationalize my thought process, or understand if I even have a process.
    One thing I've concluded is that I am very vulnerable, entirely vulnerable to anyone I let into my life. To anyone who knows my true artistic ability for destruction. They see my flaws, and weaknesses- know my dynamic and not the front I put on for most acquaintances.
    And my vulnerability really only stems from one source, my naivety of life, love, and consequence. Okay, so I'm not naive in the sense that I believe every As Seen On TV commercial and think their products are 100% guaranteed. But I  definitely grew up with an irrational idea of love. Maybe it was because I could never get my head out of a book to make time to understand the world on my own.
    And my naiveness caused my early loss of innocence. Children are beautiful; they understand so little of the world and comprehend only what they want to understand. But they can be easily persuaded.  
     I ventured to believe that the answer to finding 'love' was to give yourself to them, and I didn't mean the mind and soul part. Only the body. Atleast, I thought sex was the ultimate sacrifice for love.
    I waited until my first boyfriend was ready, and I pray often in my head that it happened the way it did, that I didn't prance around like a whore before I was 16. But still, 16?! My brother and sister will be 17 next week, and to even think about them doing the horrible things that I did is like a serious blow to the face.
    But after that everything went downhill, and I gave my body to anyone that asked because I thought it meant they loved me. What the hell was I thinking. Obviously after you figure out you can't even hold a substantial conversation with them you should realize it isn't love. It's sex, plain and simple. It's vile and cheap, and means nothing.
    Once reality hit me, I hated myself for what I was doing.
    Now I am in a relationship where sex doesn't mean love. Wait, until that person means something to you, and then giving your body to that person will be something worth your while. And I don't mean wait until marriage- I'm definitely not a crazed christian conservative. But sex should be more clearly termed "love-making" in a relationship, no matter how silly it sounds. Yes, it can be passionate at times, but those times he leaves you with an overwhelmingly wonderful feeling in your heart- that's when you know it's real; when you know what you're doing is right.
    I still hold alot of guilt for acting out the way I did. For treating myself in such a horrible way, and letting people take advantage of me for temporary happiness. I came into my new relationship with everything on the table. And he accepted it...all of it. It is a breath of fresh air- he is amazing.

You've Got Everything Now

    I traveled home last night to escape the intense heat of my room at school. The night was relatively calm, and for once it was a pleasant visit. At this time last year, I would have been home sleeping the days away, with my parents sneaking in every few hours to make sure I was still breathing. I can tell that we are all in a much better place than we were before, when my incident basically sent my family spiraling into hell.
    I spent most of the night awake in my bed, thinking about how I used to lay there hoping as I fell asleep, my dreams would take my to a place of clarity and peace. I would pray that if I laid in the stillness long enough, life would pass by, and there would be no reason to continue. It replayed over and over in my mind like the beginning scene of Garden State- Zach Braff sits comatose while human chaos carries on around him.
    It took months before I finally realized what was going on around me was reality. Yes, it had all actually happened, I had almost died, I had withdrawn from school, I had been cheated on. And for some obscene reason, all I could focus on was my waste of a relationship. I remember the day I finally spoke up in the clinic during a session, asking a particularly juvenile question..."I know everyone says time will heal...but how long will it take...can't I do something for a quick fix?" And everyone else looked at me in awe, like I had given them all revelations, like they all want to hear the answer because they were trying to find the answer. And basically, no one could give me a direct answer, just some philosophical bullshit that I knew would go in one ear and out the other.
    A year later, and nine months into a new relationship, I can see what I experienced was a blessing. Every moment was beautiful, the struggles, the tears, my new life. I needed time to appreciate myself, to understand what I needed from a man, to gain back the life that was taken by my vile relationship. I was broken down day after day, yelled at time and time again. And every time I wanted to leave, I was pulled right back into the pattern. I became a person who thought they deserved to be treated like shit, to be beaten down. I let everyone walk all over me. I shouldn't have let anyone do that, especially the people I gave my heart to.
    Sometimes I relive these moments; I feel the unbearable sickness in my heart, as if it's liquifying inside of my chest. I cry and tell Jim I can never be good enough for him and he deserves better. But our relationship has been nothing but bliss. He has expressed time and time again that he will never leave me because he is strong enough for the both of us. I am trying so hard to suppress this feeling when I get it, to fancy the idea that I am the best he'll ever have. I am an intelligent, beautiful woman, who has the passion and drive to be entirely successful. I'm still afraid of giving myself to someone who is capable of hurting me even deeper than I was before, but I am trying to live every moment.
    This summer will give me a chance to spend even more time with him, to learn how to let go of my insecurities and fall even more in love. I can't explain what I feel for him, it's so much more than I thought love could be. I found the man I want to give myself to, I don't want to have my guard up, and I definitely don't want my past addiction to overpower our relationship.
    Every voice of reason tells you, "in due time..." you will find what you're searching for. At 20 years of age, I have reached my due time, and found a man I can share my life with.

"Cause like you said, this is it. This is life. And I'm in love with you... I think that's the only thing I've ever really been sure of in my entire life. And I'm really messed up right now, and I got a whole lot of stuff I have to work out, but I don't want to waste any more of my life without you in it. And I think I can do this. I mean, I want to. I have to, right?"- Garden State

I Won't Share You

I never thought it was possible to love someone with such intensity.

charming, i know :p

Let The Right One Slip In

Beautiful weather, beautiful life.
    The weekend was gorgeous, and I was so happy I spent it with my darling boy. We had a splendid time outside, traveling into the city and eating water ice. Rugby on saturday made us both tired, so we ventured back to loft and watched a silly movie before he had to take me home.
   It was rather nice spending time with my family- my brother, mom, Jim, and I dyed easter eggs. I spent easter morning with my family, and the afternoon with Jim's, and eventually he had to bring me back to campus so I could do the load of design work I had "forgotten."
  I could not ask for a better life right now. I am focusing on design, something I thought I had lost my passion for. And I am trying harder than ever to successfully finish this semester. I am looking forward to busy summer full of reading on the beach, romantic nights watching fireflies, and plenty of extra sleep.

Glamorous Glue

     The past weekend marked my first full year of recovery, and although it brought back some terribly horrific memories, it turned out to be beautiful. Although I can't say I didn't sit in my lover's arms and cry on the kitchen floor until my eyes were swollen and I could barely breath, to have someone so willing to comfort me in such a way was truly spectacular. Especially since at this particular time last year, my heart had not only been through the paper shredder once, but twice.
    I am still coming to terms with the idea that I ruined my family dynamic, that not many people in my life will ever truly understand the daily battles I have within myself everyday, and the fact that my body will never look quite like it did seven years ago. But I am a lot further along in the healing process than I ever thought I would be, and for that I am truly grateful.
    There are certainly two individuals in my life whom I can never fully thank for helping me get to this point; my dear kate and my boyfriend jim.
    Kate was a witness to some of the worst moments of my life, but never judged me. Instead, she became one of the most loyal friends I have, and has never denied me her time. She is someone I confide in when I don't know where else to turn because I believe she truly understands where I am coming from. Spending time with her gives me a chance to live again, to stop worrying about all of the problems in my life and just have fun.  I am blessed for having her in my life, and hope that we will remain friends when she graduates in the upcoming month.
    Although Jim was not present at the time of my unfortunate withdrawal from school, he is so supportive of my ongoing recovery, and gives me a hand when I feel I may fall. He sees my scars as something beautiful, and has challenged me to do the same. It is so much more than a relief that not only did I not scare him away, but rather, brought him closer to me. He says that I am the strongest woman he knows, and that he's never been so lucky. And I laugh at this, but am so grateful that he appreciates me for all that I am.
   So thank you both, for helping me discover myself, even if the process has been quite slow and tedious. I love you both with all my heart.

That's How People Grow Up

    Life seems to be passing me by way too quickly. Everyone is either getting married, having babies, or both. Do I want that for my life right now? Not quite. But do I eventually? Yes. It just seems that it should be happening sooner than I expected. I want to graduate, and settle myself before any of that.
    I'm so very nervous that my boy will be wanting more than I can give him. And I know he says he's willing to wait. But is he willing to wait a year from now? I hate how I'm always thinking ahead, always questioning the future. Always debating for hours in my head how my life will turn out.
   In the end I just end up making myself sad. It's a terrible feeling to have- feeling as if you are letting the person you love down. I try to give him everything I can, while still keeping myself intact. Why do I keep letting myself think he'll leave me? Why am I so vicious to myself? Why can't I just appreciate the fact that he's in my life right now?
    I make myself sick.

Drive-in Saturday

    Amazing weekend. It's absolutely wonderful to get away from the city sometimes. It can really weigh me down, especially since it's where my massive amounts of schoolwork lie. Breathing in fresh(er) air and spending as much time as possible with the man I love is quite invigorating. He needs these times of relaxation and rest as much as I do.
    Sometimes I wake up in the stillness of the night, and I can feel his breathe against my back. It is such a comfort, feeling him next to me, close to me. Inviting him closer in the dark he shares a few small kisses with me before falling back into his dreams, and I smile, reminding myself that this moment is true happiness. Complete bliss.
  

Dial-A-Cliche

    Designer's have this undeniable camaraderie that you can't quite put your finger on, but you know it's there. We all know it's there. The tension seeps for the pores of undeserving girls in the room, and makes it hard to breathe. I understand this natural order, but I long to have my respectable position back. I was once intimidating and overly confident, but now I find myself as the minority. The girl by herself, in the corner of the room, awkwardly texting because she knows no one wants to make nice with her.
    After my leave of absence I'm sure there was plenty of talk, and now the stares in the room weigh down on me. I don't know how much longer I can stand the silence or how I will keep myself from breaking in front of the people I need to conquer. These girls with their silly talk and incapability to produce real art only makes me stronger. I find myself feeling the need to prove myself to this group of women, only to hypocritically decide that I don't give a damn what they think.
    The truth is, who really wants to be at the brunt of everyone's jokes? Who wants to stand out in the crowd like a sore thumb? And of course it isn't like I haven't tried to be friendly, but with no embrace why should I begin to care? Those girls are anything but my friends, they are my competition. I only need them to strengthen my skills, to show that I really am good at what I do. Bitches.

On The Streets I Ran

    Another splendid weekend is coming shortly, and I am beyond ecstatic. It is exactly what I need after these two days of being snowed in alone. Although it was nice to have off, it will certainly be more inviting to be in warm arms for the next couple of days. 

    It will be especially nice at this time of the year because it is when my grandmother's birthday would have been, February 13th, the day before Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is supposed to be a time for enjoying love, and embracing it. But for the past three years it has been anything but enjoyable. 

    I know that this year will be different because I know for once my grandmother is looking down on me, and smiling at the relationship I have now. And that makes me happy. And he makes me happy, therefore I feel that for once, everything is perfect; everything is in its place. 

My Dearest Love

    Being snowed in with my lover accounted for my pleasant weekend. It was quite unexpected, but perfect nonetheless. Snuggling up in a cozy bed kissing, watching brilliant movies such as A Beautiful Mind, and falling even more in love was more than I could have asked for. He ceases to impress me. And I am a happy girl.

    We ventured home after the heavy snow concluded and the scenery was stunning. The roads were almost fully bare of cars, and it was as if the world was still. For a short time, I felt only him and me, together, alone in the world. But the isolation was charming because I was sharing it with the one person I always wish too.
    With each passing day, I am becoming increasingly aware of myself, who 'I am' and what I'd like to be. I often feel that I am falling inward, collapsing into myself. But he is always there to reconnect me, with a kind face and admirable heart.

Reader, Meet Author

   My mother told me to get all of my necessary essentials out of my car, before the snow lays heavily on the earth. But my only necessary essential is forty-five minutes away. Hopefully snuggling up alone with one of my precious books will be enough to keep me warm.

"The outside lights were on, and it was snowing, and it looked like magic."

I'm hoping the snowfall we receive is reminiscent of that in The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It is a, coming-of-age story, such as that of Catcher in the Rye. Tragic, yet beautiful, it has been a source of my inspiration for many years. Wallflower was the beginning of my love for Morrissey, in my opinion, the greatest singer/songerwriter of all time.

Sing Your Life

    As of this moment I am waiting for a small child to rest her vocal chords and fall asleep to a midi file of mozart. We watched countless episodes of Little Bear and Franklin. Like every young blood she wanted to be picked up and spun, but after my day at the gym, my arms were hardly in the shape they should be for picking up a little human. I had no intention of dropping her, but it did cross my mind, so we stopped.
   I gave her a bath as she splashed me with small, bubbly waves of water, so as I'm writing it my spandex are soaking wet. We proceeded to read four Little Bear books as well as Goodnight Moon and Curious George. When I finally went to put her to bed, she struggled, begging me not to leave. So I sat in a rocking chair next to her crib, until I thought she was asleep...thought. So now I can hear her static crying from the baby monitor downstairs.
    I can't wait to have my own :? This experience has just broadened my view on children. I hope I get a good one. No, but seriously, I'd like to have subdued, fun to play with, laugh with, loving kids. Someday.

Sweetie Pie

    Tonight I received a much needed visit. He told me I was the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, and that he'd found his perfect girl. It's what I needed to hear after so much internalized drama. I realize he has nothing to do with my pessimistic thoughts, it's all in my head. It's as if my brain wants to make up plenty of horrible scenarios to keep me on my feet.

     I really need to work on this uncertainty. I want to relax my mind every now and then, and just enjoy myself in the moment. If I keep wasting all of my time worrying, I won't have even the slightest chance for happiness.
"I love thee to the breadth and depth and height my soul can reach"

This line comes from my favorite poems by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Sonnet 43. It describes exactly how I feel about him. I wish I could find my own words to tell him. I want him to really know, to really feel it. Because I do so much worrying I forget to focus on what I should really be doing. Giving him my indefinite attention, love, and strength. It will happen :)

You Know I Couldn't Last

    I was refreshed by the stillness in the air today. I had to catch my breathe as I crossed through the doorways to the winter spectacular beyond. The chill caught me by surprise, and I was delighted by the view before me. Every tree limb was lightly coated with snow; even the power lines shimmered in the morning light.
    It was exactly what I needed after an endurably sleepless night. Realizing that change is inevitable is difficult for me  to accept, but it's what I need. To realize that sometimes, change can be better than expected. The 'change' I'm discussing doesn't necessarily relate to the weather, but all the same I must prepare myself incase that change does come. The fact is that I'm just too much of a hopeless romantic to let go.

The Queen Is Dead

I was right. I think I'll hide under the covers until I'm sure everyone is gone.

Maybe my temporary high is better than none at all.

Stop Me If You Think You've Heard This One Before

    Coming to terms with my fear of abandonment seems to be a pressing issue these days. Although I haven't had an entirely significant experience with abandonment, all of the tiny scenarios I have faced have made me a completely paranoid individual.

   It's a personal issue I've dealt with since I was young. To start off, my grandmother was adopted. I know she was taken in by a wonderful family which came to be my own, but I can't grasp the notion of someone leaving a beautiful woman like herself for another family. And then my mother- she was adopted as well. Maybe you can infer adoption another way, but in these specific instances all I can see is abandonment. Why? Why did her parents decide not to raise her, to see her grow up and become successful, to have a wonderful family, to be grandparents to my siblings and me? 

   My idea of abandonment grew more prominent as I saw the divorce of my grandparents. My grandfather, a gambler, alcoholic, and murderer left my family and moved to warmer sands. We weren't the lifestyle he wanted. Thanks. Calls are few and far between and we're lucky if he remembers our names. I should feel good knowing that bastard is out of our lives, but I can't help wanting him around. 

    Significant deaths in the family have also left me feeling abandoned. I understand in these cases, my abandonment was not intentional, but the pain still occurs. 

    Intimate relationships have caused me the most pain and have instilled my fear of being alone. I've slept with my fair share of men, thinking that if I gave myself to them I would be loved in return. I learned quickly that love was more than a good fuck. I know I hurt the people I cared for and loved the most, but I can't be the only cause of every one of my relationship's downfalls. I was a fragile girl, needing guidance and support. I received it on occasion, but I was too shy to let anyone know how I was really feeling. 

   My only survival skill was self-learned, and self-inflicted. But it was the only relationship I knew I could count on. I've only ever loved one man before now, besides my father that is. He treated me well, and I confided in him. But I came to believe that I was only someone he wanted to save. After years of being apart, we reunited once again. But we came back to the original dilemma- he was trying to save me. And I know it was more than that, he did care for me. But we grew entirely apart, wanting different things. Then came the literal abandonment. I know I was the first to abandon him, but our conclusion could have ended differently. 

    All of my experiences have made me entirely too fearful. I want to trust him, my boy, with every bone in my body, but I keep hearing my mother's cautious words swirling in my head, "the only man you'll ever be able to count on is your father." It's like I'm swaying on deck, debating within myself on whether I should crack my concrete exterior, or seclude myself inside. 

     The thought of this relationship become a desolate image on the horizon is too much for me to bear. It's not even the thought of being alone anymore, it's the thought of being without him. When I wake up in his arms, it's like nothing I've ever experienced. And I want all of these wonderful feelings to stick. He is the one I want to be with, to love, to cherish,  to share my dreams, my success, my entire life with. It's something I can't quite put my finger on, but I know I don't want to lose him.  

Pretty Girls Make Graves

   No, I am not beautiful. How can a girl be beautiful when she has hideous scars all over her body? How can anyone think she is attractive? I know my boyfriend loves me, more than anything in this world, but how can he even bear to look at me? I want to be attractive, I want him to look at me and really believe it. I understand how unappealing I must look, and I don't know why he puts up with me. I'll never be able to give him everything he deserves.
   I know im intelligent, and maybe charming, but I know enough to understand that looks count for something. And there are a million other girls out there that could give him so much more than I have to offer. So much more than a mutilated body.
   I want to give him everything, body, mind & soul. Two out of three doesn't cut it. I want to be an attractive, sensual woman for him. I want him to be able to show me off. I don't want to be repulsed in my own skin anymore.
    I want him to look at me and think I am the most stunning thing he's ever layed eyes on. I want to be the only thing he lays his eyes on.
   All of this wanting is pointless, I'll never have it. My reminders of the past will always be present. It's ridiculous to hope for change when it just isn't possible. The only thing I can do is learn to love myself. But I'm too stuck on the fact that I will never be good enough for the man of my dreams; the love of my life. And it makes me sad because he makes me happier than I ever thought anyone ever could. He is my everything, and I just want him to be able to have it all. I want it to be perfect. Sorry.

"The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space."  - Marilyn Monroe
Jim is this man for me. A truly amazing individual, with a beautiful soul. And a gorgeous smile.

Girlfriend In a Coma

Is it pathetic to say that I've been throughly searching out my 'perfect' engagement ring, when in reality it won't be for awhile? That is to say, if it happens at all. I can't help it, but I love the idea of having that beautiful ring on my finger that says "yes, I'm all his." Yes, I am vain, and I can't pretend to be the modern girl that thinks she doesn't need something to symbolize love and trust. I simply want something to show off how wonderfully happy I am. All in due time, but really, a girl can dream :)

Good Looking Man About Town

    I don't understand the relationship I have with my father right now, considering how much it's changed over the years. I remember being about 5 years old, having him play dollhouse with me and loving every minute of it. I remember him picking me up with one hand, holding me high above his head.
    My father is a typical renaissance man, a loving father and provider. He takes care of his wife and four children, along with the family dog. He completely renovated our house: carpets, hardwood flooring, deck, walkway, painting, new walls, new bathrooms, and the list goes on. But I wonder if he's ever happy.
    There was only one time I really ever saw my father drunk, and to this day I can't figure out why it bothers me so much. My sister ran to get me, crying that my mother was trying to help me father to the bathroom. We snuck up to the bedroom door and listened in on our parents' conversation. My father was completely humiliated and wanted my mother to leave him. Not just leave him there, actually leave him. I remember him saying "Why are you still with me?" And that broke my heart.
    During my high school years, my father treated me like the family outcast. We weren't close at all. I always had a boyfriend, and I never felt approval. And I always wanted approval. But I wasn't the athletic, overachieving daughter I think he wanted. I danced, and was in the school orchestra and band. I felt that he was unapproachable, and was always afraid of his towering figure.
    But through all of that, I always knew he loved me. He told me all the time. But I didn't understand why he treated me that why; why I treated him the same way back. I still don't have an answer.
    Once I left for school my freshman year, my father and I talked regularly on the phone. More than regularly you could say. Sometimes more than once a day. It was wonderful, and I loved having him back in my life. But it was always the same when I went home; I was the brunt of every joke. Atleast I felt that way.
    I'm sure my father sees himself as the glue of the family. He's the one that's meant to keep everyone disciplined and in line. I don't know if he saw my self-harm as something he did wrong, or something that he just didn't know how to fix. Or maybe it was both?
    The night before the clinic, I remembering him telling me there was "something wrong with me" and after my time there he told me I was "tearing the family apart." These words cut me harder than any knife could have ever.
    But besides these comments, I don't remember having a terrible relationship with him during this time. I remember wanting to be alone most of the time, trying to fix myself. I remember wanting my parents to read books on the psychology of self-harm and they wouldn't. I'm still upset for them thinking they understood me and not trying harder. But my parents have always been set in their ways.
    Now I barely speak to my father. I asked him to call me today, but am still waiting for a reply. My relationship with my mother had become very strong, but I am longing to have my father back in my life. I hate to say it, but I feel helpless without him. He is my rock and my protection.
   I understand that he must feel helpless as well, not being to help his own daughter; not being able to protect her from her personal demons. But I want so bad for us to be close again.
   The worst is not understanding why our relationship is so dysfunctional. I want to understand, I mean maybe I could come to some conclusion, make some sense of this mess. But for now I must wait, wait for a phone call that won't come.