Work is a Four Letter Word

    I am cold to the touch, and put on an extra sweatshirt to face the chill of the wind outside. The tulips are shivering, lifting their petals in hopes of catching the sun. 

    I haven't felt this kind of anxiety in so long. The kind of anxiousness that keeps me from a comfortable sleep. A churning in your stomach so fierce you'd like to buckle over in pain. Vibrating throughout your entire body, you try to control it, but find any attempt you make futile. 

    I know that I can do this, I know that this feeling will go away- something I didn't realize in the past. 

    My darling, thank you for always keeping a positive outlook on life. For always helping me to remember how beautiful my life is. 

“To achieve, you need thought. You have to know what you are doing and that's real power.”

There Speaks a True Friend

    I feel like I'm on a free-fall in some kind of infinite abyss- some sort of black hole. The ride is rather uncomfortable, and my stomach has been in knots for hours.
    I'll find my way out- I always do.
    I can easily keep my thoughts positive. I mean, I have a man whom would do anything and everything just to keep me happy. He is literally the only person that can do just about anything to make me smile. He's got so much heart, and it inspires me to stay focused and work until everything is perfect.
   And I have friends who I can trust, who will be here in a second if I need it. Who will sit and listen to me complain, and agree with everything I say, even if it's completely ridiculous, all to make me feel better.
    So thanks to all who will get me through this last week of school, alive and well :)

Now My Heart Is Full

"I could die right now. I'm just... happy. I've never felt that before. I'm just exactly where I want to be." - eternal sunshine

This is my life. This is perfect. I belong to someone- mean something greater than life to someone. I finally belong to the man I was intended to. I love you, so much my heart could burst. I am yours. 

We'll Let You Know

"Just letting you know how proud I am of you. Your having a great school year. Keep up the good work. I love you, Mom"

    This is possibly the first time in my entire life that my mom has reached out with words of encouragement, and it means everything to me.
    I worked diligently through my pre-college schooling to maintain a decent gpa. All of my classes were honors level, I was a member of exec. council, president of the band, member of orchestra, pit orchestra, marching/concert band, and chamber ensemble. I took private clarinet lessons, taught a dance class, took my own dance class, and worked. But I could never get my parents to say those words I longed to hear- "we're proud of you."
    In my parents eyes I wasn't working hard enough, practicing long enough, or involved enough. I was always taught not to compare myself, but I was constantly being compared to my classmates. Bringing home a 3.6 on a report card only meant that I should work harder to get a 4.0.
    Instead of taking this as constructive criticism, I was overly sensitive and believed I could never be good enough. I fell into my addiction, stopped doing my homework, and stopped trying. I made it through high school with a 3.4 gpa. But I know I could've done better.
    Some individuals are motivated by negative comments- they will strive to do better to prove people wrong. That never worked for me. I wanted to hear, "you're great. you're the best."
    But I never told my parents this- I was afraid. I was always afraid of what their answer would be. I still find it hard asking my dad if I can drive 2 minutes down the road to visit my best friend. I felt like I was constantly being scrutinized, like everything I did was shameful in their eyes.
    My parents finally came to the realization that something was indeed wrong with their daughter last year. I'm sure it was something they suppressed for years, and refused to identify partially because they believed it was their fault. Yes, it was. We've never had any type of open communication in our family.
    I think my parents finally accepted the fact that our dynamic needed to change. We started talking more, and it was extremely awkward. But it's made life a lot easier, especially for myself.
    I finally confided in them about my fear of letting them down. I told them everything... and yes, I mean everything. I know my mom wasn't thrilled when she heard I had slept with more men then she could count on one hand, but it helped her to understand why I was so upset.
    I was just as confused as them as to why my self-injury became so severe- why I couldn't solve my problems in a healthy manner. But it's over- it happened. And it's finished.
    Yes I still go through rough days, but I can now cope. I am no longer afraid of speaking my mind- in fact, I may be the most blunt person you've ever met.
     And this card from my mom only made my level of self-worth stronger. So thanks mom because as they semester's end is near, I find I need these words of encouragement more than ever.

Late Night, Maudlin Street

    I wake at 4 am, stirred by my own thoughts. Robins take their place outside my window, talking back and forth with eachother. It's soothing after I wake up startled. But it won't help me fall back asleep. My mind is racing. 
    My priorities have changed since last year, and although this should be comforting, I find that I am only back where I once started. I need to put myself first if no one else is.

"You are a wonderful creation. You know more than you think you know, just as you know less than you want to know."

Such a Little Thing Makes Such a Big Difference

"This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin. Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in. Now you're outside me, you see all the beauty. Repent all your sin."

    It's about time I stop living for other people. I'm worth so much more. I deserve more than I let myself. I am learning (slowly) that I can say with conviction that I am worthy of falling in love, that I am the only one for him. I will let my myself fall, and dismiss my fears...until they cease to exist. Once I realize my value, he will too. The past has hurt me, but I have shed this skin. 

    I am a young designer- I produce work that will someday bring me success. I don't rely on anyone, and my family and career are all that matters to me. I have passions and desires that burn inside me, and I will accomplish all I set out to do. 

    I will not let my integrity be sacrificed. I am selfish- selfish for my own happiness, and the happiness of my family. 

Spring-heeled Jim

      It was sweet of him to visit. Almost as if he knew it was what I needed. I was irrationally lonely Sunday and Monday, for no apparent reason. Nothing unusual had taken place- I know he had to leave. I was unmistakably in my dark place, when all I can do is sleep and hope it will pass. Eventually it did, and I was calm enough to finish my work.
     Just his presence brings tranquility to my psyche. Nothing between us is forced- loving him is so simple.  Sometimes I fear that this easy love will be our downfall. And I am reminded that love shouldn't feel like an obligation. It should happen with ease, just as it is with him.
    I've been through plenty of pain in my life, and I'm beginning to believe it wasn't deserved punishment. Maybe it was something I needed to deal with to gain strength- to mature into the woman I am now. I am thankful my sweetheart has seen me for who I truly am- seen past the scars. I love you.

The Never-Played Symphonies

    Yesterday's rainstorm brought back memories of so many summer nights. Summer nights which I shared alone, and it was beautiful. I cannot recall a single care.
    You can feel the storms coming in the air, the trees would shake ever so slightly, as if excited. The wind caresses your skin as if some kind of short embrace, sending goose-bumps up your body. Even indoors with the windows open you can feel this. So you press your face to the window as a five year old would do, waiting for their father to pull into the driveway after work.
    The sky is overwhelmingly dark, but the rain has not arrived yet. You sit on the front steps, waiting in silence. And soon, it comes. The grass breathes new life as the first drop hits the ground. The aroma is delightful, and you sit for a few minutes before getting the urge to experience this phenomena for yourself. You run out into the middle of the field, tilt your head up to the sky, and feel. You feel every emotion you've ever experienced in this moment, and you finally begin to feel your own existence.
    I have never been so conscious of my life as I am in these moments. To exist in a natural event, where nothing is tainted by man- it's entirely freeing. I am happy, truly and erratically happy. My heart can feel everything it wants to feel, without the worry of being broken.
    When I am with him, I feel just as I felt on all of these nights. Not only do I press my face against the window, waiting for those bright jeep lights to shine on the house, but I experience freedom when I am with him. I am light and childlike, and my body warms when he enters the room. My heart flocks to him, and for once, I feel entirely safe entrusting someone with its care. I am no longer afraid of being alone, of feeling unwanted. He satisfies my every whim, and loves me with sincere intensity.
     This summer, I will again experience these divine storms that have become so close to my heart. But I will no longer be alone in these moments. Silver-lining.

Asleep

"Have sweet dreams..."
"Of us, ofcourse."

I smile every night before closing my eyes and drifting to sleep. Such a small detail can make our love even more precious. 

Well I Wonder

"Those who speak of love most promiscuously are the ones who've never felt it. They make some sort of feeble stew out of sympathy, compassion, contempt and general indifference, and they call it love. Once you've felt what it means to love as you and I know it-the total passion for the total height-you're incapable of anything less."

    My life plays out like a perfect movie-script ending. Simply endearing, he captivates me with every word  drawing out of his mouth. Over the phone I can hear his lips tighten, and I realize what I am saying has struck a nerve. Guilt consumes me, engulfs me in its rage of fury. But his voice is calm, and soon I am soothed.  After exchanging words of adoration our talk ends, and again I am alone in a dark room with my thoughts. But I am no longer crying, and instead I take a moment to breathe before drifting off into a deep sleep.
    I wake during the night, only for a short instance. Long enough for him to cross my mind. Before he leaves, I make sure to take note on every feature of his face. I don't ever want to forget it. His eyes shine, with peaks of harvest orange dancing throughout. Never have I seen eyes so strong. For a time, my eyes shone a sleek electric blue, but time has altered them into a gray, dusky steel.
    I don't want him to leave, I never want him to leave. But he needs to go, so I breathe deep and smile. Hiding my unhappiness isn't that easy. My facial expression is probably screaming, "don't leave, i can't do this without you" but he says nothing. It's okay this way. We don't need two people in shambles.
    But I wonder what he thinks about, driving away- if his heart drops just a little, as mine does.
    Today, I focus on my studies. Occasionally his presence enters my thoughts, overriding construction details and elevations. I remember his soft voice, his tender kisses, and our bodies fixed together. I wish, that one day I will be with him indefinitely.
  

The Edges Are Not So Parallel

    I've spent most of the day in my head, trying to rationalize my thought process, or understand if I even have a process.
    One thing I've concluded is that I am very vulnerable, entirely vulnerable to anyone I let into my life. To anyone who knows my true artistic ability for destruction. They see my flaws, and weaknesses- know my dynamic and not the front I put on for most acquaintances.
    And my vulnerability really only stems from one source, my naivety of life, love, and consequence. Okay, so I'm not naive in the sense that I believe every As Seen On TV commercial and think their products are 100% guaranteed. But I  definitely grew up with an irrational idea of love. Maybe it was because I could never get my head out of a book to make time to understand the world on my own.
    And my naiveness caused my early loss of innocence. Children are beautiful; they understand so little of the world and comprehend only what they want to understand. But they can be easily persuaded.  
     I ventured to believe that the answer to finding 'love' was to give yourself to them, and I didn't mean the mind and soul part. Only the body. Atleast, I thought sex was the ultimate sacrifice for love.
    I waited until my first boyfriend was ready, and I pray often in my head that it happened the way it did, that I didn't prance around like a whore before I was 16. But still, 16?! My brother and sister will be 17 next week, and to even think about them doing the horrible things that I did is like a serious blow to the face.
    But after that everything went downhill, and I gave my body to anyone that asked because I thought it meant they loved me. What the hell was I thinking. Obviously after you figure out you can't even hold a substantial conversation with them you should realize it isn't love. It's sex, plain and simple. It's vile and cheap, and means nothing.
    Once reality hit me, I hated myself for what I was doing.
    Now I am in a relationship where sex doesn't mean love. Wait, until that person means something to you, and then giving your body to that person will be something worth your while. And I don't mean wait until marriage- I'm definitely not a crazed christian conservative. But sex should be more clearly termed "love-making" in a relationship, no matter how silly it sounds. Yes, it can be passionate at times, but those times he leaves you with an overwhelmingly wonderful feeling in your heart- that's when you know it's real; when you know what you're doing is right.
    I still hold alot of guilt for acting out the way I did. For treating myself in such a horrible way, and letting people take advantage of me for temporary happiness. I came into my new relationship with everything on the table. And he accepted it...all of it. It is a breath of fresh air- he is amazing.

You've Got Everything Now

    I traveled home last night to escape the intense heat of my room at school. The night was relatively calm, and for once it was a pleasant visit. At this time last year, I would have been home sleeping the days away, with my parents sneaking in every few hours to make sure I was still breathing. I can tell that we are all in a much better place than we were before, when my incident basically sent my family spiraling into hell.
    I spent most of the night awake in my bed, thinking about how I used to lay there hoping as I fell asleep, my dreams would take my to a place of clarity and peace. I would pray that if I laid in the stillness long enough, life would pass by, and there would be no reason to continue. It replayed over and over in my mind like the beginning scene of Garden State- Zach Braff sits comatose while human chaos carries on around him.
    It took months before I finally realized what was going on around me was reality. Yes, it had all actually happened, I had almost died, I had withdrawn from school, I had been cheated on. And for some obscene reason, all I could focus on was my waste of a relationship. I remember the day I finally spoke up in the clinic during a session, asking a particularly juvenile question..."I know everyone says time will heal...but how long will it take...can't I do something for a quick fix?" And everyone else looked at me in awe, like I had given them all revelations, like they all want to hear the answer because they were trying to find the answer. And basically, no one could give me a direct answer, just some philosophical bullshit that I knew would go in one ear and out the other.
    A year later, and nine months into a new relationship, I can see what I experienced was a blessing. Every moment was beautiful, the struggles, the tears, my new life. I needed time to appreciate myself, to understand what I needed from a man, to gain back the life that was taken by my vile relationship. I was broken down day after day, yelled at time and time again. And every time I wanted to leave, I was pulled right back into the pattern. I became a person who thought they deserved to be treated like shit, to be beaten down. I let everyone walk all over me. I shouldn't have let anyone do that, especially the people I gave my heart to.
    Sometimes I relive these moments; I feel the unbearable sickness in my heart, as if it's liquifying inside of my chest. I cry and tell Jim I can never be good enough for him and he deserves better. But our relationship has been nothing but bliss. He has expressed time and time again that he will never leave me because he is strong enough for the both of us. I am trying so hard to suppress this feeling when I get it, to fancy the idea that I am the best he'll ever have. I am an intelligent, beautiful woman, who has the passion and drive to be entirely successful. I'm still afraid of giving myself to someone who is capable of hurting me even deeper than I was before, but I am trying to live every moment.
    This summer will give me a chance to spend even more time with him, to learn how to let go of my insecurities and fall even more in love. I can't explain what I feel for him, it's so much more than I thought love could be. I found the man I want to give myself to, I don't want to have my guard up, and I definitely don't want my past addiction to overpower our relationship.
    Every voice of reason tells you, "in due time..." you will find what you're searching for. At 20 years of age, I have reached my due time, and found a man I can share my life with.

"Cause like you said, this is it. This is life. And I'm in love with you... I think that's the only thing I've ever really been sure of in my entire life. And I'm really messed up right now, and I got a whole lot of stuff I have to work out, but I don't want to waste any more of my life without you in it. And I think I can do this. I mean, I want to. I have to, right?"- Garden State

I Won't Share You

I never thought it was possible to love someone with such intensity.

charming, i know :p

Let The Right One Slip In

Beautiful weather, beautiful life.
    The weekend was gorgeous, and I was so happy I spent it with my darling boy. We had a splendid time outside, traveling into the city and eating water ice. Rugby on saturday made us both tired, so we ventured back to loft and watched a silly movie before he had to take me home.
   It was rather nice spending time with my family- my brother, mom, Jim, and I dyed easter eggs. I spent easter morning with my family, and the afternoon with Jim's, and eventually he had to bring me back to campus so I could do the load of design work I had "forgotten."
  I could not ask for a better life right now. I am focusing on design, something I thought I had lost my passion for. And I am trying harder than ever to successfully finish this semester. I am looking forward to busy summer full of reading on the beach, romantic nights watching fireflies, and plenty of extra sleep.

Glamorous Glue

     The past weekend marked my first full year of recovery, and although it brought back some terribly horrific memories, it turned out to be beautiful. Although I can't say I didn't sit in my lover's arms and cry on the kitchen floor until my eyes were swollen and I could barely breath, to have someone so willing to comfort me in such a way was truly spectacular. Especially since at this particular time last year, my heart had not only been through the paper shredder once, but twice.
    I am still coming to terms with the idea that I ruined my family dynamic, that not many people in my life will ever truly understand the daily battles I have within myself everyday, and the fact that my body will never look quite like it did seven years ago. But I am a lot further along in the healing process than I ever thought I would be, and for that I am truly grateful.
    There are certainly two individuals in my life whom I can never fully thank for helping me get to this point; my dear kate and my boyfriend jim.
    Kate was a witness to some of the worst moments of my life, but never judged me. Instead, she became one of the most loyal friends I have, and has never denied me her time. She is someone I confide in when I don't know where else to turn because I believe she truly understands where I am coming from. Spending time with her gives me a chance to live again, to stop worrying about all of the problems in my life and just have fun.  I am blessed for having her in my life, and hope that we will remain friends when she graduates in the upcoming month.
    Although Jim was not present at the time of my unfortunate withdrawal from school, he is so supportive of my ongoing recovery, and gives me a hand when I feel I may fall. He sees my scars as something beautiful, and has challenged me to do the same. It is so much more than a relief that not only did I not scare him away, but rather, brought him closer to me. He says that I am the strongest woman he knows, and that he's never been so lucky. And I laugh at this, but am so grateful that he appreciates me for all that I am.
   So thank you both, for helping me discover myself, even if the process has been quite slow and tedious. I love you both with all my heart.