That's How People Grow Up

    Life seems to be passing me by way too quickly. Everyone is either getting married, having babies, or both. Do I want that for my life right now? Not quite. But do I eventually? Yes. It just seems that it should be happening sooner than I expected. I want to graduate, and settle myself before any of that.
    I'm so very nervous that my boy will be wanting more than I can give him. And I know he says he's willing to wait. But is he willing to wait a year from now? I hate how I'm always thinking ahead, always questioning the future. Always debating for hours in my head how my life will turn out.
   In the end I just end up making myself sad. It's a terrible feeling to have- feeling as if you are letting the person you love down. I try to give him everything I can, while still keeping myself intact. Why do I keep letting myself think he'll leave me? Why am I so vicious to myself? Why can't I just appreciate the fact that he's in my life right now?
    I make myself sick.

Drive-in Saturday

    Amazing weekend. It's absolutely wonderful to get away from the city sometimes. It can really weigh me down, especially since it's where my massive amounts of schoolwork lie. Breathing in fresh(er) air and spending as much time as possible with the man I love is quite invigorating. He needs these times of relaxation and rest as much as I do.
    Sometimes I wake up in the stillness of the night, and I can feel his breathe against my back. It is such a comfort, feeling him next to me, close to me. Inviting him closer in the dark he shares a few small kisses with me before falling back into his dreams, and I smile, reminding myself that this moment is true happiness. Complete bliss.
  

Dial-A-Cliche

    Designer's have this undeniable camaraderie that you can't quite put your finger on, but you know it's there. We all know it's there. The tension seeps for the pores of undeserving girls in the room, and makes it hard to breathe. I understand this natural order, but I long to have my respectable position back. I was once intimidating and overly confident, but now I find myself as the minority. The girl by herself, in the corner of the room, awkwardly texting because she knows no one wants to make nice with her.
    After my leave of absence I'm sure there was plenty of talk, and now the stares in the room weigh down on me. I don't know how much longer I can stand the silence or how I will keep myself from breaking in front of the people I need to conquer. These girls with their silly talk and incapability to produce real art only makes me stronger. I find myself feeling the need to prove myself to this group of women, only to hypocritically decide that I don't give a damn what they think.
    The truth is, who really wants to be at the brunt of everyone's jokes? Who wants to stand out in the crowd like a sore thumb? And of course it isn't like I haven't tried to be friendly, but with no embrace why should I begin to care? Those girls are anything but my friends, they are my competition. I only need them to strengthen my skills, to show that I really am good at what I do. Bitches.

On The Streets I Ran

    Another splendid weekend is coming shortly, and I am beyond ecstatic. It is exactly what I need after these two days of being snowed in alone. Although it was nice to have off, it will certainly be more inviting to be in warm arms for the next couple of days. 

    It will be especially nice at this time of the year because it is when my grandmother's birthday would have been, February 13th, the day before Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is supposed to be a time for enjoying love, and embracing it. But for the past three years it has been anything but enjoyable. 

    I know that this year will be different because I know for once my grandmother is looking down on me, and smiling at the relationship I have now. And that makes me happy. And he makes me happy, therefore I feel that for once, everything is perfect; everything is in its place. 

My Dearest Love

    Being snowed in with my lover accounted for my pleasant weekend. It was quite unexpected, but perfect nonetheless. Snuggling up in a cozy bed kissing, watching brilliant movies such as A Beautiful Mind, and falling even more in love was more than I could have asked for. He ceases to impress me. And I am a happy girl.

    We ventured home after the heavy snow concluded and the scenery was stunning. The roads were almost fully bare of cars, and it was as if the world was still. For a short time, I felt only him and me, together, alone in the world. But the isolation was charming because I was sharing it with the one person I always wish too.
    With each passing day, I am becoming increasingly aware of myself, who 'I am' and what I'd like to be. I often feel that I am falling inward, collapsing into myself. But he is always there to reconnect me, with a kind face and admirable heart.

Reader, Meet Author

   My mother told me to get all of my necessary essentials out of my car, before the snow lays heavily on the earth. But my only necessary essential is forty-five minutes away. Hopefully snuggling up alone with one of my precious books will be enough to keep me warm.

"The outside lights were on, and it was snowing, and it looked like magic."

I'm hoping the snowfall we receive is reminiscent of that in The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It is a, coming-of-age story, such as that of Catcher in the Rye. Tragic, yet beautiful, it has been a source of my inspiration for many years. Wallflower was the beginning of my love for Morrissey, in my opinion, the greatest singer/songerwriter of all time.

Sing Your Life

    As of this moment I am waiting for a small child to rest her vocal chords and fall asleep to a midi file of mozart. We watched countless episodes of Little Bear and Franklin. Like every young blood she wanted to be picked up and spun, but after my day at the gym, my arms were hardly in the shape they should be for picking up a little human. I had no intention of dropping her, but it did cross my mind, so we stopped.
   I gave her a bath as she splashed me with small, bubbly waves of water, so as I'm writing it my spandex are soaking wet. We proceeded to read four Little Bear books as well as Goodnight Moon and Curious George. When I finally went to put her to bed, she struggled, begging me not to leave. So I sat in a rocking chair next to her crib, until I thought she was asleep...thought. So now I can hear her static crying from the baby monitor downstairs.
    I can't wait to have my own :? This experience has just broadened my view on children. I hope I get a good one. No, but seriously, I'd like to have subdued, fun to play with, laugh with, loving kids. Someday.

Sweetie Pie

    Tonight I received a much needed visit. He told me I was the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, and that he'd found his perfect girl. It's what I needed to hear after so much internalized drama. I realize he has nothing to do with my pessimistic thoughts, it's all in my head. It's as if my brain wants to make up plenty of horrible scenarios to keep me on my feet.

     I really need to work on this uncertainty. I want to relax my mind every now and then, and just enjoy myself in the moment. If I keep wasting all of my time worrying, I won't have even the slightest chance for happiness.
"I love thee to the breadth and depth and height my soul can reach"

This line comes from my favorite poems by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Sonnet 43. It describes exactly how I feel about him. I wish I could find my own words to tell him. I want him to really know, to really feel it. Because I do so much worrying I forget to focus on what I should really be doing. Giving him my indefinite attention, love, and strength. It will happen :)

You Know I Couldn't Last

    I was refreshed by the stillness in the air today. I had to catch my breathe as I crossed through the doorways to the winter spectacular beyond. The chill caught me by surprise, and I was delighted by the view before me. Every tree limb was lightly coated with snow; even the power lines shimmered in the morning light.
    It was exactly what I needed after an endurably sleepless night. Realizing that change is inevitable is difficult for me  to accept, but it's what I need. To realize that sometimes, change can be better than expected. The 'change' I'm discussing doesn't necessarily relate to the weather, but all the same I must prepare myself incase that change does come. The fact is that I'm just too much of a hopeless romantic to let go.

The Queen Is Dead

I was right. I think I'll hide under the covers until I'm sure everyone is gone.

Maybe my temporary high is better than none at all.

Stop Me If You Think You've Heard This One Before

    Coming to terms with my fear of abandonment seems to be a pressing issue these days. Although I haven't had an entirely significant experience with abandonment, all of the tiny scenarios I have faced have made me a completely paranoid individual.

   It's a personal issue I've dealt with since I was young. To start off, my grandmother was adopted. I know she was taken in by a wonderful family which came to be my own, but I can't grasp the notion of someone leaving a beautiful woman like herself for another family. And then my mother- she was adopted as well. Maybe you can infer adoption another way, but in these specific instances all I can see is abandonment. Why? Why did her parents decide not to raise her, to see her grow up and become successful, to have a wonderful family, to be grandparents to my siblings and me? 

   My idea of abandonment grew more prominent as I saw the divorce of my grandparents. My grandfather, a gambler, alcoholic, and murderer left my family and moved to warmer sands. We weren't the lifestyle he wanted. Thanks. Calls are few and far between and we're lucky if he remembers our names. I should feel good knowing that bastard is out of our lives, but I can't help wanting him around. 

    Significant deaths in the family have also left me feeling abandoned. I understand in these cases, my abandonment was not intentional, but the pain still occurs. 

    Intimate relationships have caused me the most pain and have instilled my fear of being alone. I've slept with my fair share of men, thinking that if I gave myself to them I would be loved in return. I learned quickly that love was more than a good fuck. I know I hurt the people I cared for and loved the most, but I can't be the only cause of every one of my relationship's downfalls. I was a fragile girl, needing guidance and support. I received it on occasion, but I was too shy to let anyone know how I was really feeling. 

   My only survival skill was self-learned, and self-inflicted. But it was the only relationship I knew I could count on. I've only ever loved one man before now, besides my father that is. He treated me well, and I confided in him. But I came to believe that I was only someone he wanted to save. After years of being apart, we reunited once again. But we came back to the original dilemma- he was trying to save me. And I know it was more than that, he did care for me. But we grew entirely apart, wanting different things. Then came the literal abandonment. I know I was the first to abandon him, but our conclusion could have ended differently. 

    All of my experiences have made me entirely too fearful. I want to trust him, my boy, with every bone in my body, but I keep hearing my mother's cautious words swirling in my head, "the only man you'll ever be able to count on is your father." It's like I'm swaying on deck, debating within myself on whether I should crack my concrete exterior, or seclude myself inside. 

     The thought of this relationship become a desolate image on the horizon is too much for me to bear. It's not even the thought of being alone anymore, it's the thought of being without him. When I wake up in his arms, it's like nothing I've ever experienced. And I want all of these wonderful feelings to stick. He is the one I want to be with, to love, to cherish,  to share my dreams, my success, my entire life with. It's something I can't quite put my finger on, but I know I don't want to lose him.  

Pretty Girls Make Graves

   No, I am not beautiful. How can a girl be beautiful when she has hideous scars all over her body? How can anyone think she is attractive? I know my boyfriend loves me, more than anything in this world, but how can he even bear to look at me? I want to be attractive, I want him to look at me and really believe it. I understand how unappealing I must look, and I don't know why he puts up with me. I'll never be able to give him everything he deserves.
   I know im intelligent, and maybe charming, but I know enough to understand that looks count for something. And there are a million other girls out there that could give him so much more than I have to offer. So much more than a mutilated body.
   I want to give him everything, body, mind & soul. Two out of three doesn't cut it. I want to be an attractive, sensual woman for him. I want him to be able to show me off. I don't want to be repulsed in my own skin anymore.
    I want him to look at me and think I am the most stunning thing he's ever layed eyes on. I want to be the only thing he lays his eyes on.
   All of this wanting is pointless, I'll never have it. My reminders of the past will always be present. It's ridiculous to hope for change when it just isn't possible. The only thing I can do is learn to love myself. But I'm too stuck on the fact that I will never be good enough for the man of my dreams; the love of my life. And it makes me sad because he makes me happier than I ever thought anyone ever could. He is my everything, and I just want him to be able to have it all. I want it to be perfect. Sorry.

"The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space."  - Marilyn Monroe
Jim is this man for me. A truly amazing individual, with a beautiful soul. And a gorgeous smile.