A much needed weekend lies ahead, and even though I'm working a morning shift my boyfriend will have plenty of time to spend with me. I like when he finally gets to relax, and isn't so tired out and stressed about work and the new loft.
    Our weekends are always pleasant together because we aren't rushed, we aren't worried about the pressures of life, at least for the little while we're together. It really does wonders for our spirits, to simply lay together and feel the closeness of our bodies.
    I am so looking forward to this weekend especially. I need to de-stress after this long week, and set aside my fears of new medication and a broken car while I can. I know being with him will do the trick!

He is so amazing, I just can't get over the way he treats me. I feel all sappy when I think of him. I must be the luckiest girl in the world. No, I definitely am.

    He gives me the yearn to live again- to release all the worries and live strictly in the present. I have a great way of ruining certain moments that should be pleasant. It must be a talent of mine. I'd rather just be happy, not take him so seriously (or myself).

    I need to learn to let things go, to remember there's nothing I can do about it. I need to get over myself, get over him laughing at me for crying after sex because he doesn't understand, that it doesn't mean as much to him and I should stop caring too. I need to stop resenting him for laughing because I was just being childish, living in a fantasy world. 

     We are happy together, and I should stop taking our relationship so seriously. I think that's what he wants?

"Won't you stop and breathe, tell me what you want to feel. I could draw on all these things; baby I feel this beauty pull me to a- Soft and warm, I know this is all I need."

I love him so much. It's nice to finally have a break from school, and more time to be with him :)

She said it. She said I didn't understand. That I didn't care. I burst back with, "I know more than anyone. I almost died because of it...and everyday I am reminded by my scars." The three of us, my sister, mom, I, replied with tears, and I ran to my room. I delve into my novel, concentrating harder than ever. I don't like relieving what happened, remembering that I have a constant reminder of my juvenile ways.

    I run until I can hear the shallowness of my breath, and with one short exhale I release days, weeks, months of pent up anger. My body shudders, and I close my eyes, tight enough to feel my cheeks raise, and my skin tighten.
    I start to walk, collecting my thoughts as they pour into my head. After anger comes clarity; I am no longer hindered by an oppressive emotion. I am free to contemplate, to exist, as pure as the trees and fields that surround me.
    I begin to run again, as soon as the anger begins to cloud my thoughts. I am battling my inner-self, to allow me the chance to think with clarity. I reach my 'place'- an old bench overlooking farmhouses and blooming trees. Again I close my eyes, and breathe- exhale my negativity. I reach a state of calm, and my hair stands on end as the cool breeze caresses my body. Loose hair from my ponytail brushes my face, and I enter another state of existence. I am aware of my presence in the world.
    I hear only the sound of brushing trees, of songbirds. For a few minutes I am left alone with nature- no cars or people obstruct this moment. I watch the birds play between the wildflowers, and fly high into the treetops, singing to one another. They are free.
     It is a spiritual moment for me, something I relive every time I come here. But it isn't the same this time, for I am contemplating something new to me. My younger sister is dealing with a break-up- something I wholly understand, but cannot seem to give advice about. I am angry, angry only because our relationships seem so similar. At least my past relationship. The boys are identical in their desire to live purely for themselves, to care only for themselves. They are selfish in the worst of ways.
    My conflict remains because my relationship ended, almost with my life. I can see the destructive qualities I possess in my sister, and I couldn't stand to see her follow the ways of her sister. She is on the right path for her life- academically, athletically, emotionally. And to see this boy strip that away from her pains me.
   I don't want her to hurt the way that I did, to blame it all on herself like I did, to feel degraded, humiliated, and shameful such as I did. Seeing their relationship end reminds me of mine. Those unimaginable negative feelings come back- and I am disgusted. I hate that I still feel anger towards what happened.
    I never imagined that I would be with such a wonderful man a year ago, when I would lay in bed, hoping never to wake up. I thought I had been ruined, stripped of any integrity. But Jim brings it all out of me- passion, integrity, love- everything I once thought I had lost. Although I may never be able to forgive- one day I will forget. I will forget because my life is everything I had hoped for, and my dark experiences were needed to get me to where I am.
    I only hope that Julie will survive this, will turn out better than I have. I hope that she will find someone that treats her well, that shows her kindness, patience, and love- just as Jim has with me.

B. Great- there goes the awesome gpa I wanted. Give me an hour or two to wallow in my own misery before coming back to reality. Try harder next semester? I think so. I'll be back to my overachieving self in no time.

"To endure is greater than to dare; to tire out hostile fortune; to be daunted by no difficulty; to keep heart when all have lost it; to go through intrigue spotless; to forgo even ambition when the end is gained - who can say this is not greatness?"
— William Makepeace Thackeray 

I am inspired by him everyday; his enduring strength to work through anything, and his strive to balance all the things that encompass his life. I love this quality especially so because it makes me feel important in his life- a feeling I've always wished for. Jim, keep on enduring, and great things will happen for us :)

   I hate thinking about him with another girl. How he used to lay close to her at night, plant tender kisses along her back. My head spins and my heart burns knowing he loved someone else once; knowing he's touched the bodies of other girls- felt a sensual desire between them and himself. 
   I know I am the only girl in his life now, and that all of his love and attention is put in my direction, but I can't help my mind's urge to think about his past- how he must think about it too. 
    And I can't say the same for myself- with each man my life spiraled further into a black hole- I don't ever think about the things I've done because I don't want to remember. 
    It makes me sad to think of his smile lighting up the face of another girl- a girl who not only shared a heart but a home with him. I envy her for spending so much time with him. I envy her for sharing so many commonalities with him, which I cannot. I envy her for him loving her. 
    I know it may seem immature that such thoughts would ever cross my mind. But I've been hurt, deeply hurt so many times. I am scared and vulnerable. I love him, and would move mountains just to be by his side. 
   I need something- something else to keep my mind occupied. There is no reason to think about his past relationships, to think about his silliness making someone else laugh, his arms keeping someone else warm at night. No reason to wonder if he still thinks she is prettier than me, easier to talk to than me, sillier and more fun to be around than me. 
    Hopefully some sleep will help me forget, and remind me that the past is the past. It can't be changed, nor forgotten. Remember that he is different than he was than- acting on childish instinct of what he thought love was. Still, I hope this love is different. I hope what I feel is real, is as true as I remind myself day after day. 
    I love you, with everything I have left of my heart. You live in every corner of my mind, every dream I have dreamt, every longing and desire I have. You are mine, as I am yours. Only yours. 

You Were Good In Your Time

I did it. It's actually happening, and I am so unbelievably happy. 

My web design office will be archived this summer. Archived? Seriously? I mean, just last year my professors were concerned that I hated interior design and wasn't passionate about it. 

I hope this archiving thing sends a big passionate slap to their face. 

As the end of the semester nears (with only one final between me and summer) I can finally relax with a new understanding that I really can accomplish anything and everything. 

I made a list of goals for this semester, everything from showering regularly to not pulling a single all-nighter. These were simple tasks that I could not even come close to grasping last year. I was a complete and utter wreck. But I've distanced myself with that girl, and I have become everything she was not. Everything a young twenty year old girl should be. 

And I did all of these without compromising myself. I finally feel like I can congratulate myself, like maybe I actually deserve it. 

Let Me Kiss You

    Ten beautiful months- ten amazing months. Time consisting of the most cherish-able moments I will ever discover. In this short amount of time I have discovered the unyielding passion of love. It contains a depth that is far too deep to be discoverable.
     Our love is not trying- it comes with ease. I've found something many people search for the duration of their lives, and I am humbled.

"Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time."

    The fan's murmur drowns out the noise outside, and the soft brush of air is rather peaceful. Shortly, I will rest before returning to my work.
     I am thoroughly contemplative, and I can't help but think back through the blur of this year. In such a short time, I have grown into myself. 

"So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them." 

    And where do I go from here? I continue with life, I will work hard, play hard, and love even harder. I acknowledge that I am a dreamer, and I will embrace it. It's okay if I spend too much time in my head; this is where my creativity comes from. I wanted to prove everyone wrong this year- prove to them that I was something great. And I think I've even proved it to myself. 
    I have structured my life in such a way that I get the best of all possible worlds-I maintain my grades while still spending time with my adorably charming boyfriend. And I am happy that I've let this person into my life. I am proud that I was able to find someone so perfect after everything I had gone through. Our relationship gives me hope that our future will be I've dreamt of. 
    I absolutely love my life. And I am almost okay with who I am- of what I let define me. I am a lover, a dreamer, a designer. I can, and will always be able to accomplish all that I set out to. 

Oscillate Wildly

i love this...probably because of my darling jimmy ;) it reminds of him, and always makes me smile.

my current life. and no, im still not finished. but close!