William, It Was Really Nothing

   I hate thinking about him with another girl. How he used to lay close to her at night, plant tender kisses along her back. My head spins and my heart burns knowing he loved someone else once; knowing he's touched the bodies of other girls- felt a sensual desire between them and himself. 
   I know I am the only girl in his life now, and that all of his love and attention is put in my direction, but I can't help my mind's urge to think about his past- how he must think about it too. 
    And I can't say the same for myself- with each man my life spiraled further into a black hole- I don't ever think about the things I've done because I don't want to remember. 
    It makes me sad to think of his smile lighting up the face of another girl- a girl who not only shared a heart but a home with him. I envy her for spending so much time with him. I envy her for sharing so many commonalities with him, which I cannot. I envy her for him loving her. 
    I know it may seem immature that such thoughts would ever cross my mind. But I've been hurt, deeply hurt so many times. I am scared and vulnerable. I love him, and would move mountains just to be by his side. 
   I need something- something else to keep my mind occupied. There is no reason to think about his past relationships, to think about his silliness making someone else laugh, his arms keeping someone else warm at night. No reason to wonder if he still thinks she is prettier than me, easier to talk to than me, sillier and more fun to be around than me. 
    Hopefully some sleep will help me forget, and remind me that the past is the past. It can't be changed, nor forgotten. Remember that he is different than he was than- acting on childish instinct of what he thought love was. Still, I hope this love is different. I hope what I feel is real, is as true as I remind myself day after day. 
    I love you, with everything I have left of my heart. You live in every corner of my mind, every dream I have dreamt, every longing and desire I have. You are mine, as I am yours. Only yours.