I run until I can hear the shallowness of my breath, and with one short exhale I release days, weeks, months of pent up anger. My body shudders, and I close my eyes, tight enough to feel my cheeks raise, and my skin tighten.
I start to walk, collecting my thoughts as they pour into my head. After anger comes clarity; I am no longer hindered by an oppressive emotion. I am free to contemplate, to exist, as pure as the trees and fields that surround me.
I begin to run again, as soon as the anger begins to cloud my thoughts. I am battling my inner-self, to allow me the chance to think with clarity. I reach my 'place'- an old bench overlooking farmhouses and blooming trees. Again I close my eyes, and breathe- exhale my negativity. I reach a state of calm, and my hair stands on end as the cool breeze caresses my body. Loose hair from my ponytail brushes my face, and I enter another state of existence. I am aware of my presence in the world.
I hear only the sound of brushing trees, of songbirds. For a few minutes I am left alone with nature- no cars or people obstruct this moment. I watch the birds play between the wildflowers, and fly high into the treetops, singing to one another. They are free.
It is a spiritual moment for me, something I relive every time I come here. But it isn't the same this time, for I am contemplating something new to me. My younger sister is dealing with a break-up- something I wholly understand, but cannot seem to give advice about. I am angry, angry only because our relationships seem so similar. At least my past relationship. The boys are identical in their desire to live purely for themselves, to care only for themselves. They are selfish in the worst of ways.
My conflict remains because my relationship ended, almost with my life. I can see the destructive qualities I possess in my sister, and I couldn't stand to see her follow the ways of her sister. She is on the right path for her life- academically, athletically, emotionally. And to see this boy strip that away from her pains me.
I don't want her to hurt the way that I did, to blame it all on herself like I did, to feel degraded, humiliated, and shameful such as I did. Seeing their relationship end reminds me of mine. Those unimaginable negative feelings come back- and I am disgusted. I hate that I still feel anger towards what happened.
I never imagined that I would be with such a wonderful man a year ago, when I would lay in bed, hoping never to wake up. I thought I had been ruined, stripped of any integrity. But Jim brings it all out of me- passion, integrity, love- everything I once thought I had lost. Although I may never be able to forgive- one day I will forget. I will forget because my life is everything I had hoped for, and my dark experiences were needed to get me to where I am.
I only hope that Julie will survive this, will turn out better than I have. I hope that she will find someone that treats her well, that shows her kindness, patience, and love- just as Jim has with me.
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