I find it sad that despite the fact that we are sisters, Julie rarely gets along with me. I hate our fights, but I hate even more her choices. Her choice of words is number one on my list- she has the most brilliant way of making my blood boil. And I hate her lack of asking, not only for anything that is mine, but for anything from my parents as well. She treats everyone as if they were inferior. I love being home, spending time with my parents, but I also despise Julie being around- running out of the house with my leather purse, my new jacket and scarf, and a pair of shoes I had been looking for since last Christmas.
At the same time I wish to be home, I would be just as happy to be at Jim's. But I know I make him crazy, with my persistent conversation and untidiness. I love this boy to death, yet I hate that he cannot just tell me he would rather not visit or that he would rather spend the evening with his family. I wish he would just tell me that he wants time to himself- without me. I understand- I would not want to be around me if I were him either. And I want him to know that he should not fill obligated to be in a relationship with me. Many other girls would be able to give him much more than I can- would not come with so many flaws and insecurities. Would not have scars nor low self-esteem. A woman whom he could instantly share his life with; someone willing to move in and be home for him every day after work. I feel completely inadequate as a lover and girlfriend, and I know that if I cannot fix this, he will find someone else. But I do not know where to start on changing things, nor do I feel that I am capable. I cannot deny that plenty is going on in my mind right now, and I do not know where to start dealing with each individual concern, for everything is connected in some way or another.
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