My thoughts are jumbled into a heap of complicated jargon. I am not sure as to why this is so, I only know that I am not happy with myself lately- for so many reasons. I know recovery lasts a lifetime, but I want to be over that hump, I want to stop the toxic thoughts I let myself believe.
If I really sit down to think about it, I embrace the wonderful things going on in my life- the fact that I ended junior year with a 3.6 gpa, the fact that I still have a summer job that will give me plenty of hours, and the fact that in less than two weeks I will be moving in with my boyfriend. But my mind always reverts back to negative thoughts of all these situations- I should have graduated this year, I still only have a summer job; not even and internship, and I am more than nervous to be moving in because I have a great track record of ruining great things.
I am in constant struggle to supress all of these negative feelings. Often I feel I am not worthy of anything positive in my life, which is why I let my depression take over. It is most prominent when I think of moving in with Jim, and I feel guilty because he has been great through our whole relationship- so supportive and understanding. But I never feel quite good enough, and that is my own doing. He does nothing but love and care for me, and treat me like I am the only thing that matters, but I don't feel like I do the same. And I don't want to make the commitment to move in, only to destroy something that is truly good for me.
So I am trying to overcome my own thoughts, to try to stay happy and away from thoughts that lead me into something I know isn't healthy.
1 comment:
I discovered your blog after you commented on mine. At first it disturbed me, but now I find myself reaching out to you. Please do not think negatively of my comment. I hope you find the strength in believing in yourself and understand your strength. Reach out to your love an embrace it- that in itself is a strength- from there believe in yourself and embrace your senior year in so much that you might be able to understand your future pursuits and the possibilities that are there and forget the past that is no longer relevant. This is important in the process of recovery. I understand more than anyone- although you mocked my self-injury in your comments I too have spent a lifetime healing from the wounds of the past. They may have stemmed from different circumstances but believe it or not I do relate to you. It is a long process- often marred by rehabilitation. I too spent time in rehab- mirrored by long hours in therapy trying to understand the inconsolable. The thing that most disturbed me about our connections was our relevance to self-injury. And now here I am reaching out to you. If this disturbs you at all please feel free not to respond. I only do this as a way to consol my own heart and maybe yours. Disappointment is an addictive drug. Its something self-injurers’ both fear and embrace. I hope that you can disassociate your self from this and understand your full potential. Faith in ones self is hard to achieve- often its something sought after but never reached- the key to understand this predicament is stability. Stability in your own heart, not in your outside circumstances- its in the belief of yourself and in no one else that you can prosper and achieve greatness. So believe in yourself Danielle, and maybe we can both help each other, growing and overcoming our fears.
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