I spent most of the night awake in my bed, thinking about how I used to lay there hoping as I fell asleep, my dreams would take my to a place of clarity and peace. I would pray that if I laid in the stillness long enough, life would pass by, and there would be no reason to continue. It replayed over and over in my mind like the beginning scene of Garden State- Zach Braff sits comatose while human chaos carries on around him.
It took months before I finally realized what was going on around me was reality. Yes, it had all actually happened, I had almost died, I had withdrawn from school, I had been cheated on. And for some obscene reason, all I could focus on was my waste of a relationship. I remember the day I finally spoke up in the clinic during a session, asking a particularly juvenile question..."I know everyone says time will heal...but how long will it take...can't I do something for a quick fix?" And everyone else looked at me in awe, like I had given them all revelations, like they all want to hear the answer because they were trying to find the answer. And basically, no one could give me a direct answer, just some philosophical bullshit that I knew would go in one ear and out the other.
A year later, and nine months into a new relationship, I can see what I experienced was a blessing. Every moment was beautiful, the struggles, the tears, my new life. I needed time to appreciate myself, to understand what I needed from a man, to gain back the life that was taken by my vile relationship. I was broken down day after day, yelled at time and time again. And every time I wanted to leave, I was pulled right back into the pattern. I became a person who thought they deserved to be treated like shit, to be beaten down. I let everyone walk all over me. I shouldn't have let anyone do that, especially the people I gave my heart to.
Sometimes I relive these moments; I feel the unbearable sickness in my heart, as if it's liquifying inside of my chest. I cry and tell Jim I can never be good enough for him and he deserves better. But our relationship has been nothing but bliss. He has expressed time and time again that he will never leave me because he is strong enough for the both of us. I am trying so hard to suppress this feeling when I get it, to fancy the idea that I am the best he'll ever have. I am an intelligent, beautiful woman, who has the passion and drive to be entirely successful. I'm still afraid of giving myself to someone who is capable of hurting me even deeper than I was before, but I am trying to live every moment.
This summer will give me a chance to spend even more time with him, to learn how to let go of my insecurities and fall even more in love. I can't explain what I feel for him, it's so much more than I thought love could be. I found the man I want to give myself to, I don't want to have my guard up, and I definitely don't want my past addiction to overpower our relationship.
Every voice of reason tells you, "in due time..." you will find what you're searching for. At 20 years of age, I have reached my due time, and found a man I can share my life with.
"Cause like you said, this is it. This is life. And I'm in love with you... I think that's the only thing I've ever really been sure of in my entire life. And I'm really messed up right now, and I got a whole lot of stuff I have to work out, but I don't want to waste any more of my life without you in it. And I think I can do this. I mean, I want to. I have to, right?"- Garden State
