Cloudy

    My thoughts are jumbled into a heap of complicated jargon. I am not sure as to why this is so, I only know that I am not happy with myself lately- for so many reasons. I know recovery lasts a lifetime, but I want to be over that hump, I want to stop the toxic thoughts I let myself believe.
    If I really sit down to think about it, I embrace the wonderful things going on in my life- the fact that I ended junior year with a 3.6 gpa, the fact that I still have a summer job that will give me plenty of hours, and the fact that in less than two weeks I will be moving in with my boyfriend. But my mind always reverts back to negative thoughts of all these situations- I should have graduated this year, I still only have a summer job; not even and internship, and I am more than nervous to be moving in because I have a great track record of ruining great things.
   I am in constant struggle to supress all of these negative feelings. Often I feel I am not worthy of anything positive in my life, which is why I let my depression take over. It is most prominent when I think of moving in with Jim, and I feel guilty because he has been great through our whole relationship- so supportive and understanding. But I never feel quite good enough, and that is my own doing. He does nothing but love and care for me, and treat me like I am the only thing that matters, but I don't feel like I do the same. And I don't want to make the commitment to move in, only to destroy something that is truly good for me.
    So I am trying to overcome my own thoughts, to try to stay happy and away from thoughts that lead me into something I know isn't healthy.

And my little world is all coming together

    I am approaching the end of yet another school year, and after two finals next week I will officially be a senior. This year has been filled with many trials but I made it through quite successfully. I am continuing to flourish in the world of design and am beginning to find my little nook in the world.
    Currently, I am at home with my family, amongst a recently unpacked dorm room. But soon, everything will be packed up again as I make a new home with the love of my life. The possibilities of our relationship excite me, and I am anxious to move. Spending every night in his arms is all I can dream of- this life is more than I could have hoped for.
    Recently, I took part in a restaurant renovation for Food Network as a volunteer. I met so many great people whom were undeniably passionate about their work. I look forward to my career and the noteworthy interiors I will create. With a focused and intelligent man by my side, I am sure to accomplish all of my pursuits.

home

(things from home- things I love)

young blood

perfect for this beautiful day. i absolutely love life. and i absolutely love you, Jim. my life is more than i could have ever hoped for.