Half a Person

    It's the ambiance of winter days such as these that give me a horrible feeling. The gloom from the overcast days seem to force itself on everyone, oppressing any chance of happiness. And ofcourse, I am no exception. The days seem longer- never-ending, as if mother nature realizes people are praying for just a small glimpse of the sun, and she decides to hold out on us instead.
    It's days like these that do not help a recoverer. It feels like some energy is pushing me back, back into what I was. Although at many times I feel like indulging myself in past habits, I am repeatedly reminding myself that it isn't worth it. Hopefully my reminders will be enough.

I Just Want to See the Boy Happy

   Lately, I feel like I've been digging myself in a hole. Relationship wise. I don't know when to cut it out, and just be content, when to say what I'm feeling, and when to hold it back. I keep referring to past relationships when any of these issues arise, and I come to the same conclusion- just shut your mouth. I don't think it's working the way I planned.
   I do a really good job at making any situation a catch-22. If I don't say what I want, I make myself upset, but if I do say what I want, I feel like a complete and utter bitch. If asked what I'd like to do that day, I usually end up saying something along the lines of, "Anything, it doesn't matter" or "Whatever you'd like, I don't care" when I actually do care. But who's a poor girl to talk when she won't be the one paying for any excursions or activities? So I stay quiet.
   But then I'm too quiet- then somethings wrong. And then I cry, and ruin everything. Sometimes I wish I could push rewind, and just start over. But I keep digging further and further until I'm going to end up falling. Hard.
   And I'm telling you, I don't want to fall. Everything is perfect, and I have a wonderful way of creating a tragedy where there shouldn't be one. So, my plan? Tell my feelings within reason and go with the flow. I love him too much to screw things up. I will not be having a repeat of hell anytime soon.

I Know It's Gonna Happen Someday

The first few days of classes have been relatively calm. Either that means I've got everything together, or there really isn't that much work at all. Could it be the calm before the storm? I'm praying it isn't. My life has been traveling by smoothly, and I am planning on keeping it this way. I am getting enough sleep and still making enough time for school and friends. It's rather nice getting out, especially when living in a 4x4 room, with little ventilation and almost no windows. This calm is such a relief, considering my apprehension before classes started. All is well.

Dear God Please Help Me

Tomorrow starts my re-do of spring 09 classes. Am I worried? Definitely. After everything that's happened how can I not be? But something is different this time; I am completely confident in my ability to succeed. I just need to stay focused and keep my priorities straight. Tomorrow will be the start of 'designer' Danielle. It's exciting to start doing what I love again :)