Work is a Four Letter Word

    I am cold to the touch, and put on an extra sweatshirt to face the chill of the wind outside. The tulips are shivering, lifting their petals in hopes of catching the sun. 

    I haven't felt this kind of anxiety in so long. The kind of anxiousness that keeps me from a comfortable sleep. A churning in your stomach so fierce you'd like to buckle over in pain. Vibrating throughout your entire body, you try to control it, but find any attempt you make futile. 

    I know that I can do this, I know that this feeling will go away- something I didn't realize in the past. 

    My darling, thank you for always keeping a positive outlook on life. For always helping me to remember how beautiful my life is. 

“To achieve, you need thought. You have to know what you are doing and that's real power.”

There Speaks a True Friend

    I feel like I'm on a free-fall in some kind of infinite abyss- some sort of black hole. The ride is rather uncomfortable, and my stomach has been in knots for hours.
    I'll find my way out- I always do.
    I can easily keep my thoughts positive. I mean, I have a man whom would do anything and everything just to keep me happy. He is literally the only person that can do just about anything to make me smile. He's got so much heart, and it inspires me to stay focused and work until everything is perfect.
   And I have friends who I can trust, who will be here in a second if I need it. Who will sit and listen to me complain, and agree with everything I say, even if it's completely ridiculous, all to make me feel better.
    So thanks to all who will get me through this last week of school, alive and well :)

Now My Heart Is Full

"I could die right now. I'm just... happy. I've never felt that before. I'm just exactly where I want to be." - eternal sunshine

This is my life. This is perfect. I belong to someone- mean something greater than life to someone. I finally belong to the man I was intended to. I love you, so much my heart could burst. I am yours. 

We'll Let You Know

"Just letting you know how proud I am of you. Your having a great school year. Keep up the good work. I love you, Mom"

    This is possibly the first time in my entire life that my mom has reached out with words of encouragement, and it means everything to me.
    I worked diligently through my pre-college schooling to maintain a decent gpa. All of my classes were honors level, I was a member of exec. council, president of the band, member of orchestra, pit orchestra, marching/concert band, and chamber ensemble. I took private clarinet lessons, taught a dance class, took my own dance class, and worked. But I could never get my parents to say those words I longed to hear- "we're proud of you."
    In my parents eyes I wasn't working hard enough, practicing long enough, or involved enough. I was always taught not to compare myself, but I was constantly being compared to my classmates. Bringing home a 3.6 on a report card only meant that I should work harder to get a 4.0.
    Instead of taking this as constructive criticism, I was overly sensitive and believed I could never be good enough. I fell into my addiction, stopped doing my homework, and stopped trying. I made it through high school with a 3.4 gpa. But I know I could've done better.
    Some individuals are motivated by negative comments- they will strive to do better to prove people wrong. That never worked for me. I wanted to hear, "you're great. you're the best."
    But I never told my parents this- I was afraid. I was always afraid of what their answer would be. I still find it hard asking my dad if I can drive 2 minutes down the road to visit my best friend. I felt like I was constantly being scrutinized, like everything I did was shameful in their eyes.
    My parents finally came to the realization that something was indeed wrong with their daughter last year. I'm sure it was something they suppressed for years, and refused to identify partially because they believed it was their fault. Yes, it was. We've never had any type of open communication in our family.
    I think my parents finally accepted the fact that our dynamic needed to change. We started talking more, and it was extremely awkward. But it's made life a lot easier, especially for myself.
    I finally confided in them about my fear of letting them down. I told them everything... and yes, I mean everything. I know my mom wasn't thrilled when she heard I had slept with more men then she could count on one hand, but it helped her to understand why I was so upset.
    I was just as confused as them as to why my self-injury became so severe- why I couldn't solve my problems in a healthy manner. But it's over- it happened. And it's finished.
    Yes I still go through rough days, but I can now cope. I am no longer afraid of speaking my mind- in fact, I may be the most blunt person you've ever met.
     And this card from my mom only made my level of self-worth stronger. So thanks mom because as they semester's end is near, I find I need these words of encouragement more than ever.