Thank You

    Tonight I had the talk I needed to get me out of this funk. I am capable and in charge of my happiness, and I am the only one whom can choose whether I will be happy or not. I have no reason to be so miserable, and should therefore not be making others around me just as annoyed. I first need to realize my self-worth with true and honest certainty. I also need to remember everyone else I am affecting when I make decisions to act/feel as I do. I should not offend, irritate, or upset others. My relationship is at the core of my being, and if I wish to keep it intact I must think of the other individual involved. My personality can be one of undeniable stubbornness at times, so I will work on this. I will reiterate the fact that Jim loves me more than anyone ever could, and nothing he does is meant to hurt me or our relationship. We do not see eye-to-eye, which is definitely a good thing in my case. He sees reality as it truly is, as I construe and redefine what I believe each situation to be. My skin needs to thicken and my heart needs to open, as I let myself love and be loved, just as I allow myself to take criticism with a grain of salt. I must work on expressing myself, whether it be discussing my thoughts with others or not. Even after my cutting has stopped, I find it hard to develop a well thought out idea of what I believe I feel. Time will only help me grow stonger- I only hope that he is willing to wait as I further myself.


    Thank you for being patient- and listening to me when I need it most. Even if you judge me, thank you for never showing it. I am truly sorry for the way I act; getting so easily upset. You are the greatest thing to ever come into my life, and I am ready to give myself wholly to you. I am still in this process, and I hope you will be by my side as I work through my conflicts. Although I realize life can be complicated, I never realized it would contain so much confusion and so many unknowns. And all that you do for me I hope to someday do in return. Yes, I love you, but I want to be the woman you need whom is confident ands knows you will never leave her side. This journey is ours to make, and I give you my word that I am trying to make it worth remembering for you (in a good way, that is). Please embrace us, for I cannot see my life being lived without you. I promise, it will be worth the wait, and when my insecurities have disappeared our love will flourish.

    I find it sad that despite the fact that we are sisters, Julie rarely gets along with me. I hate our fights, but I hate even more her choices. Her choice of words is number one on my list- she has the most brilliant way of making my blood boil. And I hate her lack of asking, not only for anything that is mine, but for anything from my parents as well. She treats everyone as if they were inferior. I love being home, spending time with my parents, but I also despise Julie being around- running out of the house with my leather purse, my new jacket and scarf, and a pair of shoes I had been looking for since last Christmas.
    At the same time I wish to be home, I would be just as happy to be at Jim's. But I know I make him crazy, with my persistent conversation and untidiness. I love this boy to death, yet I hate that he cannot just tell me he would rather not visit or that he would rather spend the evening with his family. I wish he would just tell me that he wants time to himself- without me. I understand- I would not want to be around me if I were him either. And I want him to know that he should not fill obligated to be in a relationship with me. Many other girls would be able to give him much more than I can- would not come with so many flaws and insecurities. Would not have scars nor low self-esteem. A woman whom he could instantly share his life with; someone willing to move in and be home for him every day after work. I feel completely inadequate as a lover and girlfriend, and I know that if I cannot fix this, he will find someone else. But I do not know where to start on changing things, nor do I feel that I am capable. I cannot deny that plenty is going on in my mind right now, and I do not know where to start dealing with each individual concern, for everything is connected in some way or another.

In the past few days, as it seems, I have been sinking further into my depression. On most days, I can push it aside, but it has slowly been encompassing my entirety. I know it is silly- I should be happy for I have everything in my life that I have ever hoped for. But this feeling is more directed to my overwhelming fears and guilt. I feel that I have not been performing sufficently as a daughter, girlfriend, or student. I spin everything into a negative in my head, and I would rather sleep that sit and decide how to fix myself. I know that this will pass, but I cannot help sitting here thinking of all the ways I could change myself to become a better person. I despise letting people down, more than I care to make myself happy. Jim has been the one to deal with this lately, and although I am happy that he is patient and loving with me I feel horrible. He helps me in ways no one else ever could, and I love him for simply listening. I hope that this break between semesters will bring us closer instead of directing us apart. And I wish for this this feeling to pass soon so I can make the most of our holiday together.

The End

The end of the semester is quickly approaching, as my last final will be on Tuesday evening. I am quite excited to spend the holiday with my family and take small moments of rest with loved ones in between work shifts. The semester has given me a chance to develop my personal ideals of conceptual design and hone in on what I believe to be "good" design. In my free time between classes I have been spending my nights with my boyfriend, and I absolutely adore our time together. I love being in his home, cuddling close on the couch watching movies, cooking dinner, drinking tea, and all the other wonderful things we do. I have never been happier and I am sure that he is the man I want to spend my life with. Hopefully this next semester will end just as quickly as the first so I can spend even more time with him :)